I will make progress!!

"I will make progress" is my new motto when it comes to returning to work following my surgery.
My second day back was better than the first. It took me a while to get myself going, but once I wrote my to do list, I got stuck in. I had a mild emotional moment when my work mates all went out of the office, leaving me alone. (strange - I usually love the office to myself!) But I got stuck into the paperwork and phone calls I needed to make and by 2pm when I was due to finish, I was exhausted and sore, but I had done it! I was happy with what I had achieved and decided that "I will make progress!"

I am discovering that as much as I want to be feeling well again, it is hard to break out of the "sick mode". You become so used to feeling a certain way and adjusting to not being able to do what you normally do, that it is a bit scary to step over the mark and return to functioning as you used to. I have thought about this, as I so desperately want to be able to work, run, play etc as I used to, so what is the emotional and cognitive thinking that holds me back. I have come to the conclusion, that I am scared that I will fail. I am nervous that I won't be able to return to how I used to function, and I worry that I will always have this tightness and soreness and swelling that still lingers. Of course the rational moments tell me that all these things won't happen, and that I am more than capable of returning to full time work, to running, to managing my own housework and being able to enjoy all the fun things in life again. I have to persevere. Last night Andrew was giving me a pep talk about slowing down and just concentrating on one thing at a time, and that thing needs to be recovering. He says I worry too much, which I probably do. While talking through things with Andrew, I discovered I am nervous about my new body image. I have never had a body like this before. I have always had a tummy bigger than I needed. So, I suppose I am getting used to how my body looks now and how I perceive that, and unfortunately, how I think other's are seeing me. I place unfounded expectations on myself that people expected me to look a certain way after the surgery, and perhaps I don't look that way. I still have flabby bits and parts that still need work (both surgery and exercise). I have to believe that I don't need to be perfect!

So, Andrew's advice is to just relax, concentrate on a full recovery and other things will fall into place. He takes a lot of time to tell me how wonderful I look, and that he loved me before and loves me now. What more could a girl want!!!!

Back to Work!! and Surgeon's Appointment

Well, after 8 weeks away from work, I made the big step and started work again on Monday 10th December. My manager had worked out with me a gradual return to full time work. So, in my first week back I am working for 5 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I wont have my full client group again until I am back full time, which is planned for January. I am doing other paper work and assessments on new clients and getting them started.

Well, I got up on Monday ok, I didn't feel any worse than normal, but still have the tightness around my hips and a bit of soreness in different places. Andrew pulled the doona over his head as I started the manic phase of finding something to wear!!! "Does this look good?" "Is this ok?". Andrew knows the routine very well and tried to avoid saying the wrong thing!!! Of course he always says I look gorgeous in anything I wear! ooohhhhh. Well I decided on the outfit I have on in the photo, and despite Andrew calling me a green tree frog, I know he thought I looked nice. I am conscious of the bits that are still swollen, and the parts of my tummy that still need work done. (I will get to that bit of news soon!). The girls at work were great. Very welcoming and complimentary and looked after me like the true nurses that they all are!!! I managed the 5 hours ok, but was stiff and sore and a bit tired at the end of it. My biggest concern was my emotions. I was on the brink of tears so many times. I had a little cry just before leaving home, which worried Andrew enough to ring work without me knowing to check that I was ok and to let them know I was a bit fragile!! He did also ring me to see how I was. Then while at work, everything seemed a bit too hard for me, and my coping wasn't at its usual level. I held back the tears because I know they would have bundled me up and sent me home again. I was just so overwhelmed! It didn't help that I had to get my head around a new laptop and I couldn't get the new technology of logging in with my finger swipe to work! I gave up for fear of really losing my emotions!!! Anyway, I found a safe job of wrapping all our client's Christmas presents!! Well, someone had to do it!!! I had to spend my 5 hours at work changing from sitting to standing and then walking around. Sitting up straight still causes a bit of discomfort. As the numbness around my back is going, I am finding my back is aching a bit. Anyway, despite the emotion of it all, I will go back on Wednesday and get stuck into the paper work that awaits me.

My other news is my last visit to the surgeon. He drained more fluid from my swollen part. I wasn't expecting this at all, but he did it. We also spent a bit of time discussing the next set of procedures he would like to do. He is keen to finish what he has started with me. I cringe every time he talks about the next surgery. But he assures me I have been through the worst of it now. I knew he would do some liposuction on my tummy next time, but he completely shocked me when he said he would take another fold of skin from my tummy. I could have fallen off the chair then!!! But he assured me it is just a small surface of skin to be removed and nothing like what I have just had done. This procedure would only need about 10 days healing and recovery!! (I have the thought to double anything the surgeon says about recovery time!!) He would also remove the extra skin from my arms and legs. All up he thought about 3 weeks recovery time. Anyway, a lot to think about and I am finding it hard to work out when to get this done. So, no major decisions just yet. I see the surgeon again next March, so plenty of time to consider my options. I do want to finish what I have started and I don't think I will be completely satisfied until all the procedures are done. I feel like such an odd shape at the moment with the extra skin on my legs causing them to be big still. They are smaller than 3 years ago of course, but the skin isn't a good look. I need a small size pants for my waist and hips, but then the cut of the leg is too small. But to go through recovery again is very daunting when I haven't completely recovered from this first surgery.

So, I will just concentrate on getting back to work, and having a full recovery from the surgery I have already had.

Home from Echuca

I had a fantastic time with my parents in Echuca. I love being by the river. It was so great not having to cook, clean and do washing. I was really able to rest, and the energy I gained, I was able to go shopping with my mum! Although, the pants I bought while I was away, are all too big now!! I didn't realise I still had so much swelling to go down! I still have some swelling, particularly around the site on the scar line that I have had discharge from. It seems to have developed a hard lump around it that causes some pain and stinging. I will have it checked out when I see the surgeon next week. I also still have the feeling of rubber bands tight around my hips. But this is getting less. When I saw the surgeon on the day I went to Echuca, he was happy with how the swelling had been going down but said I still had "a ways to go". Oh I wanted to cry, so I asked him how long did he think. He said at least 2 weeks. So I didn't think that was too bad after all. But I am getting very sick of this waiting!!!! I also talked to him about my energy levels and that I am still getting tired after such a short amount of activity. He said to expect this still, due to the "hugeness" of the surgery and the amount of healing that needs to take place inside and outside. So, its more of that patience needed! (If you hadn't noticed - patience isn't one of my skills!!)

I bought this T-Shirt that I am wearing in the picture above because as I have been getting better, Andrew and my mum have made the comment "Oh she is getting bossy again, she must be on the mend!!" How rude I thought!!!!!, but anyway, I bought the T-Shirt to give Andrew a laugh!! I don't think I will wear it outside of the house though!!!!

Andrew is coming along ok. He still has pain with some movement, but he is regaining more movement now. He has started at work again three days a week answering the phones. As he is a bus driver, that task is still out of the question for at least another 6 - 8 weeks!! But it is great he is back at work. He enjoys the company and being busy. It does tire him out though and his shoulder gets sore. But it is a step in the right direction.

Speaking of returning to work............... I am determined now to start work again on the 10th December. I have decided that if I don't give it a go, I won't know how I will cope. My manager has been fantastic and is very happy to work out a part time return for me and will have me doing different duties to start with so that I am not bombarded with taking over my whole client group as soon as I return. It is lovely to get feedback from my replacement that my clients keep asking when I will be back!

So, things are looking positive again.

Cut out comparisons!!

I made these cut outs of myself to get a glimpse of the change in me!! I can't believe the difference!! The smaller me was taken not long after surgery, so I have quite a bit of swelling still.

Back to the Surgeon

I saw the Surgeon again on Friday as I was still in so much discomfort and the swelling hadn't gone down at all. Thankfully the tests results came back all clear, so there is no nasty bug causing the fluid. The Surgeon said it is because it was such a huge surgery that I am having this trouble.

The Surgeon has been great. I didn't have a scheduled appointment on Friday, but he just fit me in. His secretary and his nurse have also been so lovely and supportive. It is worth the money we have paid for his services.

The Surgeon put more needles in my tummy and took out about a 1/2 cup of fluid this time. He was pressing so hard on my tummy that I was left feeling very sore. But 24 hours later, that pain had gone. I also have to wear the bandage around my tummy again.

Today I feel like the swelling has gone down a bit. I am still oozing from a couple of spots and having to change the dressing twice a day. When I look in the mirror now, I can see some sort of normal shape appearing. That helps the way I feel. So maybe I am "turning the corner" again!!

Mum is whisking me off to their place in Echuca (my favourite spot) after my Surgeon's appointment on Wednesday. I must say I am looking forward to being looked after again and not having to worry about the daily chores around the house. I am a bit worried about leaving Andrew on his own as there are a few things he still can't do. But the movement in his arm is improving and he starts phsyio tomorrow. I would also hate to come home from Echuca to find the house looks like a bomb has hit it! I do hope one of his daughters will come and stay with him for a few days.

After a teary day yesterday, I am striving for a positive day today!!

A needle in my tummy!

I have had another appointment with the surgeon. He showed a great amount of sympathy for me regarding the swelling and discomfort I have been having. He was concerned that I had been so unwell while taking the last dose of antibiotics. He had me up on the examination table in no time and was filling my tummy with local anesthetic. He then used a huge needle and syringe to take out the mucky fluid under my skin. He took out just over a cup full and sent a sample to Pathology. I did feel some relief, but I think I was also benefiting from the local anesthetic as today I again have the same swelling and discomfort.

I am waiting on the Pathology results which should be in this afternoon. The surgeon is waiting to see what infection is present, so he can prescribe the right antibiotics.

I was looking through some of the information I had printed off the Internet regarding this type of surgery and found a bit about this excess fluid and that it is a normal complication in the healing process. So while I know I am not dying.......... I can try to stay positive that it will be fixed and I will feel normal again! I just wish it would hurry up and I would lose the swelling!

My return to work has been delayed another couple of weeks also. I'm not so concerned about this as I know I could not manage a day at work just yet. My boss is being super supportive and is happy to change things around for me at work so that I can come back part time until I am ready for full time again.

I wish I could be writing the ideal recovery post, that all is well and on track and I am doing super! But unfortunately, this is taking a lot longer that anticipated. But then I have had 12 kg of skin and whatever else taken from my body, so the body is going to need a good length of time to adjust!

I do have a good part of my suture line healing perfectly and not giving me any grief. So I am grateful for that. I am also managing to do a 20 minute walk every day. Some days it is a very painful walk, but I am happy to be out using my legs!! My body has been tuned to exercise daily, and my psychy is having trouble understanding that I can't do what I was doing!! I try not to push myself too hard, but I can't sit in a chair all day! I also have to be able to make the bed, do the washing, make the meals and do the dishes. Andrew is still recovering and very slowly regaining use of his broken arm/shoulder. He starts physio next week which should help. My sister is helping out as much as she can, but she has her own little family to look after and is also in the midst of packing up their lives to move to New Zealand for next year!! I don't like to burden her too much.

Well, it has to be positive thinking from now on........................

It all feels so weird!!

Every day something else feels a bit different and I am having to cope with another strange sensation around my middle!! I'm not wearing the tubigrip support all the time now, so I am able to feel different things. The skin that has been stretched down my body is starting to loose its numbness, so I am having weird sensations and tingling. I wouldn't call it pain, but it is such a strange tight feeling. Sometimes I also describe it as pulling or stiffness. Sometimes it feels as if I have tight rubber bands going around my hips and other times when I stand up I feel as if everything is going to break apart. I often have the feeling that I have been cut in half and put back together again!! Which I suppose in a sense I have!!!

Ohhhhh is this worth it!!!!

The surgeon advised that my skin would also slacken a bit but this would also sort itself out naturally and with his help the next time I have surgery. I have that happening now. I still have some swelling but I'm not entirely sure what is swelling and what is a bit of the skin sagging.

I certainly don't feel glamorous just yet, and I am still fighting a bit of the infection. I tried a little trip to the local shops yesterday but was absolutely exhausted after two shops and the supermarket. I didn't even feel that exhausted after running the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon. I did manage to buy a couple of tops to wear!! I also wish that helping Andrew didn't tire me out so much. He tries to do as much for himself as he can, but there are just some things you can't do with one arm!!

My expected return to work date is under 2 weeks away now, but at this stage I don't feel anywhere near ready for work. I see the surgeon again next week, so will reassess returning to work with him. I'm not rushing back if I am not ready!!

Andrew and I had to try sleeping apart last night. He is still quite restless with pain and finds it hard to get a comfortable sleeping position and when he moves in the bed it is a bit like an earthquake!! I get woken up and jolted a bit. But we both need better sleep to aid in our recoveries. I did have a better sleep with Andrew in the other room, but was still woken by my bladder and the cat!! Poor Andrew is beside himself with boredom though!!

But on a positive note, I am up and about, I am able to sleep a lot better in the bed, I have enough energy to get a meal together, I don't have a big sack of skin hanging in front of me, and I am loved by Andrew!!

THIS IS NOT EASY!!!!

I'm feeling quite disappointed with a slight set back!

Yesterday started off ok, I showered and dressed without too much trouble. Then I helped Andrew with his bathing, hair washing and dressing. I then did a small load of washing. I carried one or two items outside at a time and hung them on a low clothes line. After a bit of a rest Andrew and I went for an easy walk of 15 - 20 minutes. (I had decided that yesterday was the start of my gentle exercise regime - a walk in the morning and afternoon).

When we got home from the walk I felt tired, but thought this was a normal feeling related to going for the walk. But I didn't improve. As the day went on I felt more and more unwell and weak. I started having the cold chills and then feeling hot! I took my temperature and found it was up. I had already spoken to my surgeon about the oozing from a small part of my suture line and its very red color, but I was told that it was normal and because I felt well on the day I spoke to the surgeon, he said not to worry too much. But because now I was unwell and with a temperature, I feared I did have an infection.

Once again my sister to the rescue who made the necessary phone calls and miraculously got me to a local GP under direction of my surgeon's nurse and had antibiotics prescribed. I got home to what was the worst 12 hours of chills and sweats and feeling yuk with a throbbing headache.

But today I have woken a bit better and throughout the day have felt mildly better. I feel quite weak and I have been told I still look quite pale and exhausted. Even though I told my mum I could manage, she decided to come back to help me. She had only just gone home to Echuca on Tuesday!! I feel terrible that she hasn't had a decent rest.

It is so hard coping with my own recovery plus having Andrew going through his own recovery and needing help with things. He tries so hard to help me with his limited capacity and I try hard to help him. But this isn't easy!!!!! I am back in the stage of wondering just what have I done to myself and why did I do this and there is no way I am going back for any more surgery!!! I know these feelings will pass again as they have every other time I have them. But it is so discouraging to not recover at the pace I want to. I know I push myself, but I have taught myself to push my body over the past 2 years to get to this point. I am used to going the extra mile to get the good results. But I need to learn that this isn't the time to be pushing myself.

I have had visitors in today which is just so great. I get lovely comments all the time and friends really care. My sister and mum have done so much to help me and Andrew. My sister's kids are great when they pop in also. So loving and very easy to amuse. I was just tickled pink to walk into my bedroom a little while ago to find them on the bed with Andrew helping them to play a game on the X - box.

Sneak Preview

Well here I am. Day 14 since surgery. I still want to write out my daily journal, but as I am not able to sit at the computer for too long, I thought I would give this sneak preview.

It has been a tough couple of weeks. I've had a few complications to deal with such as very low blood pressure, internal bleeding fixed by a second visit to surgery, blood transfusions, extreme constipation and then my darling Andrew having a serious motorbike accident leaving him with two major breaks in his shoulder and arm causing him to be in intense pain and having to wait 6 days for surgery due to the nurses strike!

But, I am very happy to say I am starting to feel normal again!! I have had two short shopping trips to get some clothes. This was brought on by me losing my pants several times when I had my follow up appointment with the Surgeon. My sister took me to the appointment and she didn't know part of her duties was to keep pulling my pants up!! Because of the bandage around my stomach, I couldn't feel them falling down until they were at my ankles! Then I couldn't reach them to pull them up!! Mind you, my sister found it all very funny and couldn't stop laughing!! I think I gave the truck driver a laugh too as they fell down in the street just as he drove past!!!

I still have some discomfort when in the same position for too long and I still have a bit of a stoop when I walk, but I am trying hard to stand straight now. I can't sit in an upright position for too long, preferring to recline to ease the pressure on my suture line. But every day is getting easier!

I had a very positive report from the surgeon that everything is healing perfectly.

I hope to write more again soon. Thanks to everyone for their support.

I ran the whole 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon Event!

Oh I just can't believe it! I did it! I ran the whole 5.5km today and finished with my lap around the MCG! It felt so wonderful. Even this morning I still wasn't sure if I would be able to run the whole way. But I was sure going to give it a good go! I got to my usual running time of 30 minutes and felt ok, I was managing the crowds and the slight inclines every now and again, so I thought I would just keep running. Again, I say running, it is more of a jog!

Just before reaching the MCG, we had a bit of an incline up the bridge, I was telling myself if I needed to walk it, that was ok, but in the next thought, I was saying, oh come on you have come this far, and are almost at the end, so keep running! And I did!!! Running from start to finish is just a HUGE thing for me! I feel so great that I could do that. I have been working towards it, but not putting too much pressure on myself. I am putting enough pressure on myself with the surgery!! So, I am proud of myself, and feel I have acieved this real accomplishment!!

It was great having Andrew and his daughter Sasha waiting for me at the MCG. It was good to know that Sasha spotted me on the "big screen", so they knew exactly when I had arrived and could watch me run around the G. Unfortunately I couldn't spot them in the stands to give a wave. But I knew they were there and that meant heaps to me. They took a couple of photos from a distance, but if you look closely you can see me!! Im in a purple T shirt, the second person to the left of the Samsung Flag!

This is a great feeling!

P.S.

8 more sleeps until surgery!!

Two Year Difference!

On the right is me in October 2007.

And there I am on the left back in October 2005!!:

2 weeks to go.........15 more sleeps!!!

Oh my goodness, it is getting closer now!! My thoughts about surgery are certainly getting more intense. I am pretty focused on it all the time now!! Which of course makes coping with the rest of life very difficult, not to mention the stress I have at work!! I am having times of being emotional and generally what I call nutbar! It took me ages to find the words for how I was feeling. I finally found them; and how it is for me is, it's not so much that I am nervous about the surgery, or even worried, but I keep doubting myself that I deserve the surgery or that I have done enough work to be ready for it. I have visions of the hospital staff laughing behind my back saying what a fool I am to think that I can have this surgery. I know that is ridiculous and I know I have worked hard to get where I am, but those self doubts creep in. I wish I didn't get so embarrassed or self conscious when people comment or ask about my weight loss.

I have been very focused with my eating and exercise, and even though the scales are in the shed, I know I have lost weight and I definitely know my body shape has changed. When I saw the dietitian, she took a waist measurement, so I checked my measurement the other night (1am when I couldn't sleep!!) and I had lost another 4cm around my waist!!

It doesn't help that I have very little to wear at the moment that gives me the confidence of the body I have now. We all know how clothes can make us feel really good. I have stopped buying clothes as it would be a waste at this stage, so all my pants are loose and baggy. I'm getting sick of the same clothes. But I know that is such a little price to pay compared to how my body is going to be in a few weeks time.

Anyway, enough whinging! I should be celebrating. And I will. I know I will get over this little hump in the road and I will walk confidently into the hospital on the morning of October 15!! As long as I have Andrew by my side, and he is there when I wake up, then I know everything will be ok.

I have a very busy two weeks left at work, so hopefully that will make the days go quickly. I have the Melbourne Marathon next weekend and then the following weekend before surgery Andrew and I will be away for the weekend to my absolute favourite place on the Murray River at Echuca/Moama. Even better is that right before surgery I will be able to sit by the river, which always heals my soul, and I will be able to celebrate my Grandma's 91st birthday with her and my parents as they live at Moama.

So, I am in serious countdown mode now and I will continue my 1 1/2 hours of exercise daily and my healthy eating, so that come surgery day, I will be at the fittest I have ever been in my entire life!!!

P.S. I ran 4.2km (including 3 hills) yesterday in 32 minutes, which is a best for me, and setting me up well to run most of the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon!!

This was me at last years Melbourne Marathon. I can see the difference particularly in my face from a year ago! This was my first ever event! Such a windy day, I hope it isn't like that next Sunday!

23 more sleeps............

Well it isn't long now before I have my surgery. The surgery is called circumferential abdominoplasty. I have said it plenty of times to myself now that it just rolls off my tongue!!! The picture here shows where the skin will be cut out from my front and back. Once the skin on the front has been cut out, then the skin from the upper part is stretched down to be sewn together just above the pubic line. I have been reading about the surgery, particularly the recovery stage as I am quite curious as to how I will recover. I have learnt that I won't be able to walk standing straight for a few days. I have always known there will be pain, but while I don't want to go into a panic about the pain, I don't want to underestimate it either.

I am starting to do the planning for the surgery now. I have sent back my pre admission forms, I have confirmed my support crew - lovely Andrew and my fantastic sister and my ever faithful mum. Mum is coming down from Echuca to be with me when I am discharged from hospital and my sister just lives around the corner. Andrew will take me into hospital on the day and be with me when I come out of surgery.

I am writing my list of things to get done before surgery, and I have made sure that list includes a hair cut and color and a massage!!!!

I am still following the dietitians guidelines and at my follow up appointment she felt I was well on the right track and didn't need to see her again until after surgery if I wanted any more assistance. I have still been keeping up the increased level of exercise, and I am feeling quite good for it. I want to be at my absolute best fitness for surgery.

I am still hoping to run as much of the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon as I can. I can run for 30 minutes at a slow pace, so I will see if I can run a bit more on the day. Although I do get unnerved in a crowd and find it hard to get my little spot so that I can be at my pace. I am sure there will be people who can walk just as fast as I can run!!! But I try to remember that it is about me, and my level of fitness and I don't have to compare myself to anyone else.

Well, the countdown continues until surgery, and I don't see my thoughts about it easing at all!!!

6 weeks to go.....................YAH!!!

I am excited that I can now say my surgery is "next month". September has arrived and the countdown is at 6 weeks. As soon as it hits 4 weeks, then I am counting the days!!!!

I am still striving to follow the dietitans guidelines and to not worry too much about the scales. They really don't always reflect your progress or discipline!

I had three days away at a conference for work. Being away causes some anxiety over not having total control of what I can choose to eat. The food on offer at the conference was wonderful, but I tried to take the healthy options, and dove into the fruit bowl as much as possible. I kept up my water intake and was happy with that. I did have a few treats but felt ok having them. I made full use of the mini gym in the hotel. I used the tread mill and exercise bike morning and night. It felt great. I loved increasing the speed so that I was jogging, and even increased it to a fast run. But that was only for 30 second intervals!!

I just finished reading a book called 'Walk your Weight Off'. I think it was called that!! It was designed for people just starting out walking, but had enough in it to keep my interest. I found the chapter on Interval Training very interesting as I have been trying to do interval training myself. It was much easier to do this type of training on the treadmill where you could put the speed up, or increase the incline.

It is quite satisfying to have a really good work out where the sweat is pouring off your forehead and your clothes are all wet. As much as I like this accomplishment, I can't wait to get in the shower afterwards!!!!

I did a 30 minute jog this morning which included two hills. Boy does that make you work hard. Yesterday I did a 80 minute walk including HUGE hills. I was so tired when I got home. I later drove the roads I walked and was pleased to see I had walked 8.1km. Usually when I include hills, I don't walk that far in that time, so I am excited to see my speed is increasing.

Well, 6 weeks to go until surgery! It is getting closer. I am so focused on it and what my recovery will be like. I am so sick of the skin hanging in front of me. I don't think people realise the impact it has. When it still hangs like you have a big tummy, it gets very discouraging and easy to forget the hard work that has been put in to get rid of the extra weight. But I can feel my bones, and standing in certain positions, I can see that it is flabby skin rather than the firmer tummy it used to be. I just have to remain positive and focused, and I will continue to reach my goals.

Appointment with the Dietitian.

I have been considering seeing a dietitian for some time now. I wanted to make sure I was eating correcting in regards to the exercise I was doing. Plus I thought it would be good to get an idea of an eating plan specifically for me.

The dietitian took time to hear what I currently eat and what exercise I do. I do an hour of exercise as soon as I get up during the week and 1 1/2 hours on Saturday and Sunday. Of course I told her of the weight I had lost over the past 2 1/2 years and my surgery in October.

The main changes the dietitian suggested for me was to eat more at breakfast. I needed to eat more cereal fibre and have more of my carbohydrates and proteins in the morning and for lunch. So, instead of the 2 weetbix and pears I was having, she suggested I have 3 weetbix, pears and a tablespoon of oat bran. One of my other breakfast choices is stewed apple and yoghurt. I was advised that this wasn't enough, and to add some natural muesli. I don't usually eat muesli, but I had put it on yoghurt in the past to get a bit of a crunch! Another breakfast I have is 1 egg scrambled on 1 piece of toast. Well this was increased to 1 egg and 1 egg white and have 2 pieces of toast.

Regarding lunch, I was to eat more proteins, and again a bigger serve of lunch, so that I would have a smaller tea. Lunches for me are usually home made soup or tuna and tomatoes or a salad sandwich. The dietitian encouraged me to have 2 pieces of bread at lunch if I haven't had the 2 pieces for toast in the morning.

For snacks, I could stick to the fruit I usually have. Other suggestions were a glass of no fat milk, nuts, dried fruit or if I have been baking low fat muffins. With the muffins, I was to add some oat bran also.

Regarding exercise, the dietitian threw me for a six when she said to add a 20 minute walk at the end of the day!! I have had people tell me to rest up a bit with my exercise, and she was the first to say "do more"!! I was taken a back and wondered if I really would do that.

Another suggestion was to have a mintie when I sit down at the end of the day to watch TV as we all know, when we have a mint taste in our mouth, we often don't feel like eating anything else. I sometimes cleaned my teeth for this effect.

The dietitian also asked if I would keep a Food and Exercise Diary.

Well, for the rest of the day after seeing the dietitian I pondered on if I would follow her recommendations or not. I decided I had paid my money to see her, so I might as well give it a go! I set out to be really disciplined for one week and then reassess it. I wanted to give it a decent go.

I started my new "regime" last Saturday. I have been having more for breakfast and lunch and a much smaller tea. I have replaced dessert with 20 minutes of exercise and I have kept the diary. I have followed it very tightly to her suggestions for the past 5 days. I retrieved the scales from the shed to see if I had any change on them. Well, I weighed myself on Sunday morning, and I weighed myself this morning. I have lost 2kg!!!! I couldn't believe it. I was feeling better and thought I noticed another change around my waist, but 2kg!!! The scales haven't been moving much at all lately, so this is a real bonus!

Throughout the last 2 1/2 years I have often experienced a big loss when I have changed my routine around. But I don't think I have had such a huge result since I first started my weight loss.

So, the dietitian did know what she was talking about after all!!! The hard work and discipline of the past 5 days have really paid off. I'm so pleased. I want to lose another 3 kg before surgery, so I am right on track for that.

So, now, of course I recommend a visit to a dietitian for anyone wanting a personalised plan or a challenge to their current routines!!!

What a jumper!!!!

My goodness!! That jumper is HUGE!! A friend knitted it for me in 2003. I loved it! It fit me comfortably but looking at the length now, I remember it only just covered my tummy!! I can't believe how low my tummy hung down! (No wonder I have a lot of extra skin now!!) I also look at my legs coming out under the jumper and can't believe that is the size of both my legs!! That used to be the size of just one leg!!!! I hadn't put on any of my old clothes before this, I have concentrated on trying on clothes that I am working towards fitting into. But this is a real confidence boost and a good reminder that I have come a long way and I have accomplished great things and I have changed quite a bit!!!! It has given me some extra stength to lose the 5kg more I want to get rid of before surgery!!

They wouldn't have known it was me!

I love butterflys! I took this photo at the Butterfly Enclosure at the Melbourne Zoo. It is one of my favourite places at the Zoo. I am hoping to get a butterfly tattoo when I have recovered from both surgeries. I consider the butterfly a symbol of freedom!

Anyway, what I was going to write about was a little experience I had today when I showed the photo at the start of this blog to two people. I am talking about the photo with me in a green shirt and black skirt. One of the girls who saw the photo has only known me for the past 2 months and the other for the past 2 years. When they saw the photo, both of them said that they wouldn't have known it was me!! I couldn't believe it and had to ask were they telling the truth!! I cringe at those old photos now and don't ever want to look like that again.

Andrew made a comment the other day that I could have become upset about, but he was saying something lovely really. He said that when he looks at those old photos, he can't believe he wanted to be with someone so big. (Before I could get upset....) He then said that it must have been love and that he could see the person I was inside and that is why he was happy to be with someone of my size. I used to wonder also why he (or anyone) would want to be with me being so big. I thought people would be embarressed to be with me! But my lovely Andrew has stood by me the whole time and is so proud of me. He very often tells me what a wonderful job I have done and how wonderful I look now. He doesn't even mind the sagging skin!! But I know he is just as excited as me to see how my body will be without the skin!!

I am still very focused on the surgery and find myself wishing the days to go quickly. I want to know how I will look! I'm still not scared or nervous, just full of excitement and curiosity as to how I will go with the recovery and what I will look like!

I must have patience though....................

The scales have caught up!

This is my darling cat Thomas. He sleeps where ever he chooses. Well, he makes me feel very happy and loved. But something else that has made me happy is the following:

I have written a few times about my feelings towards the scales and not wanting to have too much focus on them. Well, I live by this as much as I can, but I have to admit, that when the scales finally catch up with the hard work I have been doing, it sure feels great!!

This morning the scales have shown a loss of 1.8kg over the past week. I am pretty pleased with that. The weight I am now, puts me so much closer to what I have been aiming for. Since learning I have about 10kg of skin to be taken off, it is easier to see the weight of 80kg very clearly in my future. I had been aiming to be at 90kg for surgery, so that I would come out of it around 80kg. But now, I can see it is possible to be under 90kg for surgery and that excites me a lot!!!

I still want to keep my focus more on how I feel and look and how my clothes fit. Well, today I have walked around on such a high, feeling really good about the looseness of my jeans and the strength I feel in my legs! I managed two good jogs this weekend. I am trying to have at least one 30 minute jog over the weekend, and the other day doing shorter jogs mixed with hill walking. The 30 minutes is getting easier and easier and I am not so tired or sore afterwards.

I have been trying to mix up my exercise and eating to try to keep my body from getting used to how it is now. I tried a lighter day of exercise during the week and then on another day I ate more protein than usual. It seems to have done something!!

I really think it is all about finding what suits your body the best. I also believe that particular task is a life long learning situation. Things are constantly changing, so our routines need to adjust also.

As I say, this time it is for life!

So many thoughts running through my head.........

I have some very different feelings about myself now. I am working hard on believing I can be skinny and that I will be a skinny person. I think that is hard to grasp. I have never been a skinny person!! I won't have a belly sticking out - or hanging down as it does now with the skin!! I will look totally different. I sometimes get the feeling that I am cheating having the surgery, that after 4 weeks away from work, I will come back and people will think I have lost a heap of weight. I will have a shape to my body that wasn't as obvious before. I will need different clothes again. I know I have done the hard work to get to this point, but it just feels like I am having the easy way to get to the shapely me!

But then my thinking switches, and I tell myself that I am shapely already and I have a figure, it is just hidden by the skin. I have to stand or bend in a certain way to see that it is ALL skin. Otherwise you could think it was fat still! But I want to believe the surgeon and live confidently that I have reached this point with all my hard work and determination.

I am more confident to lose these last kgs now, knowing that most of what I see is skin. I don't want to slacken off with my exercise and what I eat because I want to be in tip top shape and come out of the surgery at a great weight!! I can't stop what I am doing anyway, as it is my lifestyle now!! I don't want to make the mistake that it is all finished now and I can go back to old ways. OOOOHHHH Yuk, I don't want the old ways again. I like my new body (except the skin) and I love what my body can now do!! I love that I get itchy feet for the weekend so that I can get out for a run and walk. I love that a complete day for me is one that includes exercise and that I get up at 5.15am during the week to fit the exercise into my day, and I love that I can say no to fatty and sugary foods.

So many people acknowledge that weight loss involves a lot of mental change as well as physical and that is so correct. We get used to knowing ourselves as a certain type of person, with particular things we can or can't do, or will or won't try. That changes so much. Getting used to those changes is part of the battle.

I suppose I have to deal with these things as they arise. I can't predict how I will always feel or respond, as things about me seem to be changing so much and so often.

Well, life is a journey of learning and discovering after all!!

The skin is coming off!!

Yes, that's right, the skin is coming off very soon. I have seen the surgeon and he said I am very ready to have the surgery to remove my excess skin. He has estimated I have about 10kg of skin to be removed!!! The best thing he said to me was I was already a skinny person under the extra skin. He was also very pleased with the muscle tone I have developed. I was just so excited and pleased and oh so many emotions. I had to stop myself from getting teary in his office!

The examination wasn't all that glamorous having to be in the nude with someone prodding and poking the flab that no one usually gets to touch. The skin was being lifted here and there! He first examined me, drew on me with black texta, then wanted to show me in the big full size mirror what he would be doing, and then..................... photos! Photos had to be taken . Oh dear, the room was set up like a proper studio. I tried not to be too embarressed, but I was on such a high hearing him tell me I was ready for this ultimate step in my weight loss, that I didn't worry too much that the photos were being taken.
I will have two operations. The first will take off the skin around my torso. This will be 4 days in hospital and about 4 weeks off work. The second operation will fix up my legs and arms. About the same time in hospital and same time off work. There will be scarring, but I don't mind. I can handle a scar around my body and on legs and arms. I would rather the scar than what I see in the mirror now!!!

I just want to talk about the amazing feeling it is to have my hard work acknowledged by the surgeon. I have had a lot of people tell me how great I look, and what an amazing job I have done, but hearing these things didn't convince me that I had done such an amazing thing. I was just doing what was needed and didn't want to give up!
But now I have had confirmation from the surgeon. Someone who knows what he is talking about, and someone who knows what is needed to have been done before this surgery can be done. And not only hearing that I was ready for the surgery, but that I had great muscle tone under the skin and that I was skinny already. This is all something I have never heard before in my life. I have always been big, right since a child. And now I have a doctor, a surgeon telling me I am skinny!!!! I couldn't wait to get back in my car after the appointment to let all the emotions out. I had a quiet sob on my own before telling Andrew the great news.
When I calculate the 10kg of skin into what I still want to lose, I am left with only 5kg to lose to be at the weight I have been aiming for.
I plan to have the first operation in October, so I am hoping to have 5 kg well and truelly gone by then and I will be at a great weight for surgery. I am just so excited to think it is 5kg!! I have been really angry at the scales lately as they don't move very fast at all. In my mind I still had a lot to lose, but now that I know 10kg of it will only be lost by surgery, I understand my body going slower to lose the weight. I know I have been getting fitter and my clothes continue to get too big for me, but the scales haven't taken much notice of those changes!! So now I am really convinced that the scales don't mean too much!!
I am still feeling quite overwhelmed by it all, and maybe when I have actually booked in and have my date in October, it will sink in more. But for now, I am enjoying the thought of being a skinny person!!!!

If you would like to ask me any questions about the surgery or anything else for that matter, please feel free to email me - earnold@bigpond.com
I haven't written every detail about the surgery here, but if you are interested in knowing more, just email me!

Oh dear, is this really happening to me!!!!!!

Yippeeee - yes it is!!!!

I ran 4.5km!!!!!!

I can't believe it, I am so amazed at myself. As I have been writing, I have been trying to slowly build up my jogging endurance. I have been doing a gradual 10% increase of time running every week. This morning I had planned on running for 30 minutes. The big one!! This was the time I had been building up to.

I chose an 8.6km track that I had done a few times before. It has a good mix of flat and hills. The first half has the most hills. I set off running, and was feeling pretty good. I got to 20 minutes the easiest yet, so felt confident that I could get to 30 minutes. I was watching my watch and when it reached 30 minutes, I did a yippee and did a bit of a celebration lift of my arms. (Thankfully being 7.30am on a Sunday there wasn't anyone else on the track!!) But I decided I had just made it up the hill so I wanted to enjoy the downward run, so I kept on running. Now I am writing running, but I am talking a slow jog here. I won't be winning any speed races, but I am more interested in my endurance. As the minutes ticked over, I was hoping to get to 40 minutes without stopping. But my knee started to hurt a bit, so I thought that I had better be sensible and I stopped at 38 minutes!!!

I was so proud of myself and I wasn't feeling puffed and thankfully while walking, my knee didn't hurt. So for the rest of the 8.6km I did 7 minute intervals of walking and then running. I fitted 2 more running stints in. I finished the 8.6km in about 75 minutes. My knee hurt for a short while after I got home, but it is fine now.

Later, when I was out in the car, I drove on the track I ran the 38 minutes for and clocked my distance as 4.5km. The 7 minute running distances were around 1km each time. I feel so much more confident that I may be able to do the 5.5km in October for the Melbourne Marathon.

I am so amazed that I can do this. I encourage everyone who has a goal to keep working at it because the feeling of accomplishment when you reach the goal is amazing. I have been on a high all day. When I think 2 1/2 years ago I got puffed drying myself after a shower, I just shake my head at the major changes I have made in my life.

What foods do I eat?

Someone suggested I list the foods I eat now that I am on the Core program.

Firstly I am happy to report that I have enjoyed my first week on Core and have had a better loss according to the scales!!

What I have been eating is fruit, fruit and more fruit!! I have about 4 pieces of fruit, mostly apples and mandarines, and usually a serve of my stewed apples or tin pears for dessert.

For breakfasts I have been following a 5 day plan I had ripped out of the WW magazine. They have been a nice variety. I had weetbix and fruit twice during the week, a morning of cooked tomatoes, mushrooms and WW bacon (was a bit late to work that morning!), a smoothie one morning, and yoghurt and stewed fruit other mornings. I like to save my bread for lunch time usually.

Lunches I have had tuna and tomatoes, smoked salmon in a sandwich with tomato. (l love tomatoes!!), I had soup another day I think. This weekend I have made tomato soup and potato and leek soup for my lunches this week. I usually do my own recipe for soups, but I followed a WW core recipe this time.

Dinners I have had stir frys, plain old meat and 3 veg, pasta dish from a WW core recipe and steamed fish and veges. I did make roast pork last night, but made sure I only had a small amount of meat that didn't look too fatty. I only had 1/2 a roast potato also and then heaps of steamed veges. Dessert has been WW jelly and tinned pears.

Snacks have mostly been fruit and yoghurt. I have had popcorn made in the microwave also. I also have hot chocolates for snacks.

I have used the 21 weekly points for things like WW crispbreads, extra ingredients in my cooking and WW choc chip biscuits. I have tried to limit my sweet snacks so as to really have a good week of healthy foods. I am sure I will have more as the weeks go on though as I do love something sweet.

I'm glad I have had the prompts of the 5 day plan to work from as I wasn't quite sure the first few days and didn't want to stray so early in the week! I have printed off the 4 weeks that the WW site have for their 8 week challenge, so I will use these as my guide over the coming weeks. I don't follow it exactly but pick from different days to suit what I feel like. I didn't like the amount of pasta in the meals as I have really cut back on my pasta and didn't want to eat it as often as the plan said to.

I am going to stick at Core for a while longer I think. I have been keeping my portions as I usually do, maybe even a little smaller, just to give my body a good kick start! I haven't had any major hunger times either.

Its worth having a going with Core.

GP visit and someone didn't recognise me!

I saw my GP this weekend for a few things, and during the visit he took my blood pressure. I was so happy when he told me it was perfect!! He is so pleased with what I have achieved. When I first started my journey, I saw him monthly. He has always accepted me not getting on the scales for him and always happy for me to just tell him how much I had lost. He used to then compare it to something. When I said I had lost about 15kg, he said I had lost a child! Then one day, the amount I said he said I had lost a small gymnast!! An interesting way of looking at it!! I am very fortunate to have a GP who is easy to talk to and that I can trust.

On the way home from the GP, I stopped at the local Farmers Market. Someone who hasn't seen me for about 2 years, but we have had a few phone conversations was there selling her pies. I went up to her and said hello to her using her name. She looked at me vaguely saying "hello, do I know you!!!". I said my name and she almost fell over. She couldn't stop looking up and down at me! She was flabbergasted and said she knew my voice was familiar but she just didn't recognise me! She was quick though to make sure I hadn't been sick but I assured her I had worked hard to achieve this new me!! This is now the 3rd person who hasn't recognised me! It is an amazing feeling and I often wondered if that would ever happen to me. It really gives you a good buzz!

Changing to WW Core

Well counting WW points had finally got to me!!!

I had a week away which I think I coped pretty well without my online membership. I was able to make good choices and felt ok about a couple of treats as I was exercising a lot while away.

I came home and just couldn't get back into counting everything. I was still making good choices with food, but was really resenting having to count everything. I love eating fruit as a snack and didn't like feeling limited on the points system. It is when I am in this frame of mind that I tend to go for the fish and chips or biscuits.

I was really starting to get depressed about the whole thing. I wasn't going off track or wanting to give up, I just wanted a change. I sometimes have a day or two of being really sick of watching everything I eat. I suppose in these times I get jealous of people who just reach for the tim tams or big white bread roll and don't seem to worry about it.

So in my usual manner of stubborness, I wasn't going to lose sight of my goal, but make some changes!! I decided to switch to the Core Program. I had thought about it and was curious to how it worked but I suppose I was afraid I couldn't stick to it properly.

Well, I made the switch and today is day 2!! So far I am feeling really good about the change. I have a renewed motivation about using WW and I am loving having more fruit without having to skimp on other foods. Plus I have found in these two days I haven't wanted to have a sweet treat. I know that will wear off, as I like the odd WW lamington or 1 point milky way!!!

Anyway, I am hoping this change will get things moving again. I know I have been losing weight because my clothes keep getting loser, but the scales haven't reflected it at all. I try not to focus on the scales as they aren't a very good friend at the moment.

So at the moment, Core is my new focus, and in regards to exercise, I am trying to increase the jogging! I jogged for 22 minutes without stopping on the weekend, which I was so pleased with.

I also want to thank everyone who reads my blog and for all the lovely encouraging comments people make on the blog and in the WW boards. I feel honored to be considered an inspiration. Everyone has the ability to make changes!

Thanks so much again.................

Christchurch Marathon - 10km

I have been to New Zealand and joined in the Christchurch Marathon. I was entered into the 10km walk but I was keen to do some jogging also. I have been trying to increase my jogging within walks and hoped to improve my time for a 10km walk / jog.

I didn't manage to jog as much as I would have liked due to feeling a bit self conscious and having the marathon runners overtaking us walkers almost the whole time, so my confidence to jog was hindered .

But I was still so pleased with my time of 1 hour 28 minutes. I would have only jogged a few minutes overall, so I thought I would have been lucking to do the 10km in 1 hour 40 minutes. It was such a great feeling to go over the finish line, have a medal put over my head and then later read my official time of 1 hour 28 minutes.

This was my 5th official event I had entered, but the first event at 10km. The Melbourne Marathon walk was only 7.6km. I completed the Arthur's Seat Challenge which was 6.7km and lots of big hills. I have also done an 8km and 8.6km fun run/walk. So I feel my next challenge may be to build up my jogging to be able to do the 5km run in this years Melbourne Marathon. A big goal, so I am still contemplating it! But to run around the G at the end would be great! At the moment I can only jog for about 2km before needing to stop. I try to do a 10km walk / jog every weekend. I hope the aerobics I do during the week is also making me stronger and increasing my endurance.

I had such a great time in New Zealand and caught up with a couple of people who hadn't seen me for 12 months. The shock on their face and their lovely encouragement was a real boost. One person didn't recognise me at first and was so astounded by my changes. I am getting more used to these compliments and comments. I don't know why I get so embarrassed by the comments???

The gym - I finally made it!! .... And the shopping trip

I have never liked the thought of going to a gym. It scared and worried me a bit that people would be looking and thinking that I didn't fit in there! I didn't want people seeing me sweat and struggle and have bits wobbling all over the place!
I have only just started to feel comfortable jogging when a car drives past or I am approaching people, so going to the gym was a big move for me!
Thankfully I had lovely Claudia helping me out and encouraging me along the way. I had no idea how to set the computers on the machines, but Claudia set it up for me, and away I went!
I did enjoy the variety on the treadmill. Claudia had suggested the 'random' option, so I was walking and jogging up and down hills!! I was able to increase the speed when I wanted to have a bit of a jog. I certainly got a good sweat going and found the treadmill keeps you at a good pace. No chance for miandering along to look at the scenery!!!
I do still prefer being outside to walk and jog, but will definately go to the gym again. It is a good option when the weather is bad, and when I need a bit of variety!
So thank you heaps Claudia for looking after me at the gym.

After the gym I went shopping. I was very excited when I tried on a pair of size 18 pants and they were too big!!! A shame they didn't have any 16's left!! Then I wanted to try on a denim skirt in another shop, but they didn't have any 18's, so I thought, no harm in trying on the size 16. Guess what I bought!!!!! A denim skirt - size 16!!! It is from My Size, but still a size 16!!! A long way from the 28 - 32 sizes I was wearing 2 1/2 years ago!!!
It takes me a lot longer to buy clothes now! I have more choice, plus I never know what size I am. Every shop and brand is different! I still tend to take the bigger size with me to try on, and then have great delight in asking the sales assistant to get a smaller size for me!!! I have never had that experience before!!!! It is so nice choosing to not buy clothes because they don't suit me, rather than because they don't fit me!! In the past, I have bought so many clothes just because I was lucky enough that they fit me!
We were out on Saturday night, and I was given many compliments from people on how great I looked! Even the guys are noticing and saying something!!!

So all in all, a very enjoyable Saturday!!

Motivation!!!!

So often people ask how do I stay motivated. Or their comment is "wow you must be so motivated!"

I decided to share some of the things that do keep me motivated. But it isn't always easy and some days I just get so sick of having to watch what I eat. I can get very cross at the thought of others who don't seem to have to worry about what goes in their mouth. I get jealous!!

But then I tell myself, well this is my life, and I only have to worry about my life!!!

So, the things that keep me motivated are:

I have a photo board on the fridge. I have regular head shots to see my progress.

I love new clothes!!! Being able to buy a smaller size is just so exciting! I've been wearing size 16 tracky dacks today and I think I am a princess or something!!!!

Oooohhhh the sex just keeps getting better!!!

I remind myself of what I can do now; do up any seat belt, have the kids and cat sit on my lap without them slipping off, jog for more than 10 seconds, walk up stairs or a hill without being scared I won't be able to breath, see my whole leg and foot when I look down when walking, wrap a towel all the way around me............there are so many more...........

I have also worked hard to weigh less than my partner! That was a huge motivator when I thought of chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, staying motivated to me, didn't mean giving up everything yummy. I have pretty much given up potato chips coz I just love them so much and can't stop at one, but chocolate I can have a small amount and then stop. So I believe that motivation is helped by not depriving ourselves of everything we enjoy.

I love what my body can do when I am exercising. So I keep telling myself that exercise will be even better with a lighter body.

Every day I try to have a mini goal, such as, I will exercise longer, or I will have more vegetables than usual, or I won't have as much bread or I will make sure I have enough water. Its always nice to feel I have achieved something at the end of the day.

One of the important things is to not be too hard on myself if I have had a day of indulgence. We are allowed to have nice things, but in moderation. I do still feel a bit guilty if I eat something that really wasn't good for me, but I make it up to myself with a longer exercise session, or a stricter day the next day.

It's about finding what works for ourselves and building on those things.

Two and a bit years ago..............

It was February 2005 when I started my change of lifestyle. I was too afraid to weigh myself when I started, but about 4 weeks in, when I could notice small differences, I weighed myself. I was still more than I thought I would be. The scales spun around to 180kg!!For most of the first year I concentrated on changing my eating habits. About 10 months in I added exercise. Just before the 2 year mark, I joined Weight Watchers to regain focus. I am so glad I joined!! I have been able to keep my changes going, and finally see the scales go under 100kg!! I can't remember the last time that happened!! I would have been in high school! I finished high school in 1986, so we are talking quite a few years ago!

I can't believe I love exercising...........

I like to exercise everyday. During the week I get up at about 5.30am to do about 1 hour of a combination of aerobics and hand weights. I do my exercise at home with DVD's. I enjoy the walk/jog aerobics and a step class DVD. I also use my exercise bike. I try to do something different everyday.

If I get a chance after work, I will go for a walk /jog.

On the weekends I love to be able to have about 1 1/2 hours to go for a long walk / jog. I can now jog for up to 1.5km before I need to go back to walking. I try to jog at least 3 or 4 times throughout my walk. I find this has kept the weight moving. I find the aerobics DVD's I do are fairly easy now, so I like to be able to challenge my body on the weekends.