I will make progress!!

"I will make progress" is my new motto when it comes to returning to work following my surgery.
My second day back was better than the first. It took me a while to get myself going, but once I wrote my to do list, I got stuck in. I had a mild emotional moment when my work mates all went out of the office, leaving me alone. (strange - I usually love the office to myself!) But I got stuck into the paperwork and phone calls I needed to make and by 2pm when I was due to finish, I was exhausted and sore, but I had done it! I was happy with what I had achieved and decided that "I will make progress!"

I am discovering that as much as I want to be feeling well again, it is hard to break out of the "sick mode". You become so used to feeling a certain way and adjusting to not being able to do what you normally do, that it is a bit scary to step over the mark and return to functioning as you used to. I have thought about this, as I so desperately want to be able to work, run, play etc as I used to, so what is the emotional and cognitive thinking that holds me back. I have come to the conclusion, that I am scared that I will fail. I am nervous that I won't be able to return to how I used to function, and I worry that I will always have this tightness and soreness and swelling that still lingers. Of course the rational moments tell me that all these things won't happen, and that I am more than capable of returning to full time work, to running, to managing my own housework and being able to enjoy all the fun things in life again. I have to persevere. Last night Andrew was giving me a pep talk about slowing down and just concentrating on one thing at a time, and that thing needs to be recovering. He says I worry too much, which I probably do. While talking through things with Andrew, I discovered I am nervous about my new body image. I have never had a body like this before. I have always had a tummy bigger than I needed. So, I suppose I am getting used to how my body looks now and how I perceive that, and unfortunately, how I think other's are seeing me. I place unfounded expectations on myself that people expected me to look a certain way after the surgery, and perhaps I don't look that way. I still have flabby bits and parts that still need work (both surgery and exercise). I have to believe that I don't need to be perfect!

So, Andrew's advice is to just relax, concentrate on a full recovery and other things will fall into place. He takes a lot of time to tell me how wonderful I look, and that he loved me before and loves me now. What more could a girl want!!!!

Back to Work!! and Surgeon's Appointment

Well, after 8 weeks away from work, I made the big step and started work again on Monday 10th December. My manager had worked out with me a gradual return to full time work. So, in my first week back I am working for 5 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I wont have my full client group again until I am back full time, which is planned for January. I am doing other paper work and assessments on new clients and getting them started.

Well, I got up on Monday ok, I didn't feel any worse than normal, but still have the tightness around my hips and a bit of soreness in different places. Andrew pulled the doona over his head as I started the manic phase of finding something to wear!!! "Does this look good?" "Is this ok?". Andrew knows the routine very well and tried to avoid saying the wrong thing!!! Of course he always says I look gorgeous in anything I wear! ooohhhhh. Well I decided on the outfit I have on in the photo, and despite Andrew calling me a green tree frog, I know he thought I looked nice. I am conscious of the bits that are still swollen, and the parts of my tummy that still need work done. (I will get to that bit of news soon!). The girls at work were great. Very welcoming and complimentary and looked after me like the true nurses that they all are!!! I managed the 5 hours ok, but was stiff and sore and a bit tired at the end of it. My biggest concern was my emotions. I was on the brink of tears so many times. I had a little cry just before leaving home, which worried Andrew enough to ring work without me knowing to check that I was ok and to let them know I was a bit fragile!! He did also ring me to see how I was. Then while at work, everything seemed a bit too hard for me, and my coping wasn't at its usual level. I held back the tears because I know they would have bundled me up and sent me home again. I was just so overwhelmed! It didn't help that I had to get my head around a new laptop and I couldn't get the new technology of logging in with my finger swipe to work! I gave up for fear of really losing my emotions!!! Anyway, I found a safe job of wrapping all our client's Christmas presents!! Well, someone had to do it!!! I had to spend my 5 hours at work changing from sitting to standing and then walking around. Sitting up straight still causes a bit of discomfort. As the numbness around my back is going, I am finding my back is aching a bit. Anyway, despite the emotion of it all, I will go back on Wednesday and get stuck into the paper work that awaits me.

My other news is my last visit to the surgeon. He drained more fluid from my swollen part. I wasn't expecting this at all, but he did it. We also spent a bit of time discussing the next set of procedures he would like to do. He is keen to finish what he has started with me. I cringe every time he talks about the next surgery. But he assures me I have been through the worst of it now. I knew he would do some liposuction on my tummy next time, but he completely shocked me when he said he would take another fold of skin from my tummy. I could have fallen off the chair then!!! But he assured me it is just a small surface of skin to be removed and nothing like what I have just had done. This procedure would only need about 10 days healing and recovery!! (I have the thought to double anything the surgeon says about recovery time!!) He would also remove the extra skin from my arms and legs. All up he thought about 3 weeks recovery time. Anyway, a lot to think about and I am finding it hard to work out when to get this done. So, no major decisions just yet. I see the surgeon again next March, so plenty of time to consider my options. I do want to finish what I have started and I don't think I will be completely satisfied until all the procedures are done. I feel like such an odd shape at the moment with the extra skin on my legs causing them to be big still. They are smaller than 3 years ago of course, but the skin isn't a good look. I need a small size pants for my waist and hips, but then the cut of the leg is too small. But to go through recovery again is very daunting when I haven't completely recovered from this first surgery.

So, I will just concentrate on getting back to work, and having a full recovery from the surgery I have already had.

Home from Echuca

I had a fantastic time with my parents in Echuca. I love being by the river. It was so great not having to cook, clean and do washing. I was really able to rest, and the energy I gained, I was able to go shopping with my mum! Although, the pants I bought while I was away, are all too big now!! I didn't realise I still had so much swelling to go down! I still have some swelling, particularly around the site on the scar line that I have had discharge from. It seems to have developed a hard lump around it that causes some pain and stinging. I will have it checked out when I see the surgeon next week. I also still have the feeling of rubber bands tight around my hips. But this is getting less. When I saw the surgeon on the day I went to Echuca, he was happy with how the swelling had been going down but said I still had "a ways to go". Oh I wanted to cry, so I asked him how long did he think. He said at least 2 weeks. So I didn't think that was too bad after all. But I am getting very sick of this waiting!!!! I also talked to him about my energy levels and that I am still getting tired after such a short amount of activity. He said to expect this still, due to the "hugeness" of the surgery and the amount of healing that needs to take place inside and outside. So, its more of that patience needed! (If you hadn't noticed - patience isn't one of my skills!!)

I bought this T-Shirt that I am wearing in the picture above because as I have been getting better, Andrew and my mum have made the comment "Oh she is getting bossy again, she must be on the mend!!" How rude I thought!!!!!, but anyway, I bought the T-Shirt to give Andrew a laugh!! I don't think I will wear it outside of the house though!!!!

Andrew is coming along ok. He still has pain with some movement, but he is regaining more movement now. He has started at work again three days a week answering the phones. As he is a bus driver, that task is still out of the question for at least another 6 - 8 weeks!! But it is great he is back at work. He enjoys the company and being busy. It does tire him out though and his shoulder gets sore. But it is a step in the right direction.

Speaking of returning to work............... I am determined now to start work again on the 10th December. I have decided that if I don't give it a go, I won't know how I will cope. My manager has been fantastic and is very happy to work out a part time return for me and will have me doing different duties to start with so that I am not bombarded with taking over my whole client group as soon as I return. It is lovely to get feedback from my replacement that my clients keep asking when I will be back!

So, things are looking positive again.

Cut out comparisons!!

I made these cut outs of myself to get a glimpse of the change in me!! I can't believe the difference!! The smaller me was taken not long after surgery, so I have quite a bit of swelling still.

Back to the Surgeon

I saw the Surgeon again on Friday as I was still in so much discomfort and the swelling hadn't gone down at all. Thankfully the tests results came back all clear, so there is no nasty bug causing the fluid. The Surgeon said it is because it was such a huge surgery that I am having this trouble.

The Surgeon has been great. I didn't have a scheduled appointment on Friday, but he just fit me in. His secretary and his nurse have also been so lovely and supportive. It is worth the money we have paid for his services.

The Surgeon put more needles in my tummy and took out about a 1/2 cup of fluid this time. He was pressing so hard on my tummy that I was left feeling very sore. But 24 hours later, that pain had gone. I also have to wear the bandage around my tummy again.

Today I feel like the swelling has gone down a bit. I am still oozing from a couple of spots and having to change the dressing twice a day. When I look in the mirror now, I can see some sort of normal shape appearing. That helps the way I feel. So maybe I am "turning the corner" again!!

Mum is whisking me off to their place in Echuca (my favourite spot) after my Surgeon's appointment on Wednesday. I must say I am looking forward to being looked after again and not having to worry about the daily chores around the house. I am a bit worried about leaving Andrew on his own as there are a few things he still can't do. But the movement in his arm is improving and he starts phsyio tomorrow. I would also hate to come home from Echuca to find the house looks like a bomb has hit it! I do hope one of his daughters will come and stay with him for a few days.

After a teary day yesterday, I am striving for a positive day today!!

A needle in my tummy!

I have had another appointment with the surgeon. He showed a great amount of sympathy for me regarding the swelling and discomfort I have been having. He was concerned that I had been so unwell while taking the last dose of antibiotics. He had me up on the examination table in no time and was filling my tummy with local anesthetic. He then used a huge needle and syringe to take out the mucky fluid under my skin. He took out just over a cup full and sent a sample to Pathology. I did feel some relief, but I think I was also benefiting from the local anesthetic as today I again have the same swelling and discomfort.

I am waiting on the Pathology results which should be in this afternoon. The surgeon is waiting to see what infection is present, so he can prescribe the right antibiotics.

I was looking through some of the information I had printed off the Internet regarding this type of surgery and found a bit about this excess fluid and that it is a normal complication in the healing process. So while I know I am not dying.......... I can try to stay positive that it will be fixed and I will feel normal again! I just wish it would hurry up and I would lose the swelling!

My return to work has been delayed another couple of weeks also. I'm not so concerned about this as I know I could not manage a day at work just yet. My boss is being super supportive and is happy to change things around for me at work so that I can come back part time until I am ready for full time again.

I wish I could be writing the ideal recovery post, that all is well and on track and I am doing super! But unfortunately, this is taking a lot longer that anticipated. But then I have had 12 kg of skin and whatever else taken from my body, so the body is going to need a good length of time to adjust!

I do have a good part of my suture line healing perfectly and not giving me any grief. So I am grateful for that. I am also managing to do a 20 minute walk every day. Some days it is a very painful walk, but I am happy to be out using my legs!! My body has been tuned to exercise daily, and my psychy is having trouble understanding that I can't do what I was doing!! I try not to push myself too hard, but I can't sit in a chair all day! I also have to be able to make the bed, do the washing, make the meals and do the dishes. Andrew is still recovering and very slowly regaining use of his broken arm/shoulder. He starts physio next week which should help. My sister is helping out as much as she can, but she has her own little family to look after and is also in the midst of packing up their lives to move to New Zealand for next year!! I don't like to burden her too much.

Well, it has to be positive thinking from now on........................

It all feels so weird!!

Every day something else feels a bit different and I am having to cope with another strange sensation around my middle!! I'm not wearing the tubigrip support all the time now, so I am able to feel different things. The skin that has been stretched down my body is starting to loose its numbness, so I am having weird sensations and tingling. I wouldn't call it pain, but it is such a strange tight feeling. Sometimes I also describe it as pulling or stiffness. Sometimes it feels as if I have tight rubber bands going around my hips and other times when I stand up I feel as if everything is going to break apart. I often have the feeling that I have been cut in half and put back together again!! Which I suppose in a sense I have!!!

Ohhhhh is this worth it!!!!

The surgeon advised that my skin would also slacken a bit but this would also sort itself out naturally and with his help the next time I have surgery. I have that happening now. I still have some swelling but I'm not entirely sure what is swelling and what is a bit of the skin sagging.

I certainly don't feel glamorous just yet, and I am still fighting a bit of the infection. I tried a little trip to the local shops yesterday but was absolutely exhausted after two shops and the supermarket. I didn't even feel that exhausted after running the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon. I did manage to buy a couple of tops to wear!! I also wish that helping Andrew didn't tire me out so much. He tries to do as much for himself as he can, but there are just some things you can't do with one arm!!

My expected return to work date is under 2 weeks away now, but at this stage I don't feel anywhere near ready for work. I see the surgeon again next week, so will reassess returning to work with him. I'm not rushing back if I am not ready!!

Andrew and I had to try sleeping apart last night. He is still quite restless with pain and finds it hard to get a comfortable sleeping position and when he moves in the bed it is a bit like an earthquake!! I get woken up and jolted a bit. But we both need better sleep to aid in our recoveries. I did have a better sleep with Andrew in the other room, but was still woken by my bladder and the cat!! Poor Andrew is beside himself with boredom though!!

But on a positive note, I am up and about, I am able to sleep a lot better in the bed, I have enough energy to get a meal together, I don't have a big sack of skin hanging in front of me, and I am loved by Andrew!!