I will make progress!!

"I will make progress" is my new motto when it comes to returning to work following my surgery.
My second day back was better than the first. It took me a while to get myself going, but once I wrote my to do list, I got stuck in. I had a mild emotional moment when my work mates all went out of the office, leaving me alone. (strange - I usually love the office to myself!) But I got stuck into the paperwork and phone calls I needed to make and by 2pm when I was due to finish, I was exhausted and sore, but I had done it! I was happy with what I had achieved and decided that "I will make progress!"

I am discovering that as much as I want to be feeling well again, it is hard to break out of the "sick mode". You become so used to feeling a certain way and adjusting to not being able to do what you normally do, that it is a bit scary to step over the mark and return to functioning as you used to. I have thought about this, as I so desperately want to be able to work, run, play etc as I used to, so what is the emotional and cognitive thinking that holds me back. I have come to the conclusion, that I am scared that I will fail. I am nervous that I won't be able to return to how I used to function, and I worry that I will always have this tightness and soreness and swelling that still lingers. Of course the rational moments tell me that all these things won't happen, and that I am more than capable of returning to full time work, to running, to managing my own housework and being able to enjoy all the fun things in life again. I have to persevere. Last night Andrew was giving me a pep talk about slowing down and just concentrating on one thing at a time, and that thing needs to be recovering. He says I worry too much, which I probably do. While talking through things with Andrew, I discovered I am nervous about my new body image. I have never had a body like this before. I have always had a tummy bigger than I needed. So, I suppose I am getting used to how my body looks now and how I perceive that, and unfortunately, how I think other's are seeing me. I place unfounded expectations on myself that people expected me to look a certain way after the surgery, and perhaps I don't look that way. I still have flabby bits and parts that still need work (both surgery and exercise). I have to believe that I don't need to be perfect!

So, Andrew's advice is to just relax, concentrate on a full recovery and other things will fall into place. He takes a lot of time to tell me how wonderful I look, and that he loved me before and loves me now. What more could a girl want!!!!

Back to Work!! and Surgeon's Appointment

Well, after 8 weeks away from work, I made the big step and started work again on Monday 10th December. My manager had worked out with me a gradual return to full time work. So, in my first week back I am working for 5 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I wont have my full client group again until I am back full time, which is planned for January. I am doing other paper work and assessments on new clients and getting them started.

Well, I got up on Monday ok, I didn't feel any worse than normal, but still have the tightness around my hips and a bit of soreness in different places. Andrew pulled the doona over his head as I started the manic phase of finding something to wear!!! "Does this look good?" "Is this ok?". Andrew knows the routine very well and tried to avoid saying the wrong thing!!! Of course he always says I look gorgeous in anything I wear! ooohhhhh. Well I decided on the outfit I have on in the photo, and despite Andrew calling me a green tree frog, I know he thought I looked nice. I am conscious of the bits that are still swollen, and the parts of my tummy that still need work done. (I will get to that bit of news soon!). The girls at work were great. Very welcoming and complimentary and looked after me like the true nurses that they all are!!! I managed the 5 hours ok, but was stiff and sore and a bit tired at the end of it. My biggest concern was my emotions. I was on the brink of tears so many times. I had a little cry just before leaving home, which worried Andrew enough to ring work without me knowing to check that I was ok and to let them know I was a bit fragile!! He did also ring me to see how I was. Then while at work, everything seemed a bit too hard for me, and my coping wasn't at its usual level. I held back the tears because I know they would have bundled me up and sent me home again. I was just so overwhelmed! It didn't help that I had to get my head around a new laptop and I couldn't get the new technology of logging in with my finger swipe to work! I gave up for fear of really losing my emotions!!! Anyway, I found a safe job of wrapping all our client's Christmas presents!! Well, someone had to do it!!! I had to spend my 5 hours at work changing from sitting to standing and then walking around. Sitting up straight still causes a bit of discomfort. As the numbness around my back is going, I am finding my back is aching a bit. Anyway, despite the emotion of it all, I will go back on Wednesday and get stuck into the paper work that awaits me.

My other news is my last visit to the surgeon. He drained more fluid from my swollen part. I wasn't expecting this at all, but he did it. We also spent a bit of time discussing the next set of procedures he would like to do. He is keen to finish what he has started with me. I cringe every time he talks about the next surgery. But he assures me I have been through the worst of it now. I knew he would do some liposuction on my tummy next time, but he completely shocked me when he said he would take another fold of skin from my tummy. I could have fallen off the chair then!!! But he assured me it is just a small surface of skin to be removed and nothing like what I have just had done. This procedure would only need about 10 days healing and recovery!! (I have the thought to double anything the surgeon says about recovery time!!) He would also remove the extra skin from my arms and legs. All up he thought about 3 weeks recovery time. Anyway, a lot to think about and I am finding it hard to work out when to get this done. So, no major decisions just yet. I see the surgeon again next March, so plenty of time to consider my options. I do want to finish what I have started and I don't think I will be completely satisfied until all the procedures are done. I feel like such an odd shape at the moment with the extra skin on my legs causing them to be big still. They are smaller than 3 years ago of course, but the skin isn't a good look. I need a small size pants for my waist and hips, but then the cut of the leg is too small. But to go through recovery again is very daunting when I haven't completely recovered from this first surgery.

So, I will just concentrate on getting back to work, and having a full recovery from the surgery I have already had.

Home from Echuca

I had a fantastic time with my parents in Echuca. I love being by the river. It was so great not having to cook, clean and do washing. I was really able to rest, and the energy I gained, I was able to go shopping with my mum! Although, the pants I bought while I was away, are all too big now!! I didn't realise I still had so much swelling to go down! I still have some swelling, particularly around the site on the scar line that I have had discharge from. It seems to have developed a hard lump around it that causes some pain and stinging. I will have it checked out when I see the surgeon next week. I also still have the feeling of rubber bands tight around my hips. But this is getting less. When I saw the surgeon on the day I went to Echuca, he was happy with how the swelling had been going down but said I still had "a ways to go". Oh I wanted to cry, so I asked him how long did he think. He said at least 2 weeks. So I didn't think that was too bad after all. But I am getting very sick of this waiting!!!! I also talked to him about my energy levels and that I am still getting tired after such a short amount of activity. He said to expect this still, due to the "hugeness" of the surgery and the amount of healing that needs to take place inside and outside. So, its more of that patience needed! (If you hadn't noticed - patience isn't one of my skills!!)

I bought this T-Shirt that I am wearing in the picture above because as I have been getting better, Andrew and my mum have made the comment "Oh she is getting bossy again, she must be on the mend!!" How rude I thought!!!!!, but anyway, I bought the T-Shirt to give Andrew a laugh!! I don't think I will wear it outside of the house though!!!!

Andrew is coming along ok. He still has pain with some movement, but he is regaining more movement now. He has started at work again three days a week answering the phones. As he is a bus driver, that task is still out of the question for at least another 6 - 8 weeks!! But it is great he is back at work. He enjoys the company and being busy. It does tire him out though and his shoulder gets sore. But it is a step in the right direction.

Speaking of returning to work............... I am determined now to start work again on the 10th December. I have decided that if I don't give it a go, I won't know how I will cope. My manager has been fantastic and is very happy to work out a part time return for me and will have me doing different duties to start with so that I am not bombarded with taking over my whole client group as soon as I return. It is lovely to get feedback from my replacement that my clients keep asking when I will be back!

So, things are looking positive again.