Needed jeans already!!!

I had been holding off buying jeans until my open wound was all healed and the swelling had gone down. But with the cooler weather we have been having I couldn't wait any longer!! It was hard finding jeans that fit well all over, as quite often with pants, I find to get a waist that fits well, the leg is too small. Boy it will be good to have the skin taken from my legs!!!

Anyway, I managed to find a pair that weren't too expensive, and I am quite happy with them. I also gained a few nice comments about my butt in them too!!!! (Always like to hear that!!)

Well I am still having trouble with an open wound that is referred to now as my "hole". The GP took a swab that came back all clear, so that is good, no bacteria. But he decided that for it to heal properly from the inside out, it needed to be filled with packing gauze!!! He told me it could take up to 4 weeks to heal properly. I am in week 3 now and I am fed up!! I have another appointment to see him next week. The cavity has changed somewhat. It has had some improvement but the hole is quite deep and I am still able to fill it with quite a length of the ribbon gauze. I can't contain the ooze in the waterproof dressing that I put over the top of it. I get a terrible rash from the dressing, but the pharmacist helped out with that one and suggested a skin prep wipe that I put on my skin which then acts as a barrier, so my poor skin doesn't get ripped off every time I have to change the dressing. My skin even started bleeding for a while. The rash is much improved now though.

I still get very frustrated with the amount of swelling I get at the end of the day. It's not so bad if I am just going to bed, but when I am going out and want to wear closer fitting tops, I feel too self conscious about the swelling showing. Plus I still have some loose skin that needs to be taken care of with the next surgery.

I am trying to have some days of more intense exercise as I miss the jogging. I miss the feeling it gives me and how I feel after a good sweat!! But I can't do it too often as I still suffer for a few days afterwards of increased discomfort around the scar line and stiffness when bending or twisting. And of course it doesn't help the hole!!! It can get quite sore if I have been too active.

But, I am still surviving, and some days I feel quite good and hardly notice that I have had surgery.

Thanks to all of you who read my blog and give me such wonderful support and feedback. I suppose we all have to "hang in there" with some aspect of our lives!!!

Still waiting for full recovery..............

Well this isn't the best photo of my face!! I don't seem to be able to smile and not talk when a photo is being taken!!

I have been really enjoying the range of skirts that suit me now!! I used to have to stick to the skirts that pretty much just hung down! I am dressed for a day of client visits in this picture!

Well, I am still waiting to have the feeling of full recovery! I still have a dressing on a spot that is still oozing. I know the saying is better out than in, but it is driving me nuts!! My poor skin around the spot is not coping with the tape that has to be continually put on and ripped off. I still have swelling in that area and I still get swelling on my tummy at the end of the day. The level of soreness changes each day depending on what I have been doing. I am desperate to increase the intensity of my exercise, but when I do a decent jog or have a really big hill walk, I suffer for it for a few days. I am so fed up with that!!

I have been in communication with my surgeon's nurse, but they just give a sympathetic response and tell me to keep in touch particularly if the open wound site looks red and inflamed or if I become unwell. I am going to see my GP tomorrow and get him to have a good look at the wound and see what suggestions or help he can give me. It is approaching 4 months since surgery and I just didn't expect to still be having these troubles at this stage. This is the stage I was hoping to be considering the next stage of surgery. But that is way, way off at this stage. I still have days where I am quite emotional and low about the whole experience. One night I just wanted to scream to have the skin put back on me. That was a night that I couldn't even get relief from the tight and sore feeling while laying in bed.

I am disappointed that it is taking so long to recover, especially as I worked so hard pre surgery to be at my absolute fittest. We just can't predict what our bodies will do, or how it will respond to stress and trauma.

But on the positive side, I still get such lovely encouragement from people and I am loving the shopping and being able to go into what ever shop I like!! I have to be grateful that I am able to work full time again and that I can do some form of exercise daily. I am also pleased that I have maintained my change in what I eat. I can confidently say that I have made lifestyle changes that will last my life time to ensure that I don't put weight back on again. Of course I have treats like dark chocolate, but I had always incorporated treats into my diet. Lifestyle change isn't about depriving yourself of everything you enjoy!!

So, here's hoping for advances in my recovery....................

2008 - A new year, A new me???

Work update:

I am now back at work Full Time with my full client group. It has been so busy and I have put in extra hours to keep up with the work load. This makes me tired and I just can't be bothered getting on the computer at home in the evenings. But I am managing work and I am enjoying that adrenalin rush of 51 things happening at once!!! Something I'm not happy with is that at then end of a working day, my tummy swells up like a beach ball. One night Andrew commented I looked pregnant!!! (He did get away with that one as I thought the same!) Then by the next morning the swelling has all gone again. When I am in the office, I try not to be sitting at the computer for long periods and get up for a wander around. I still worry a bit when visiting clients that I have a seat that doesn't cause me discomfort. I still can't manage my couch unless I have heaps of pillows behind me. But all in all, it is good to be back at work and feeling like life is getting back to normal.


Scar line update:

It is almost 3 months since my surgery. I still have the feeling of tightness around my hips and across my front. I am not happy that I still have one little spot that I need a dressing on. I still have a bit of discharge from that area. That area still has swelling also, giving me a bit of a funny shape. I get an aching back when I have overdone it a bit but I am using anti-inflammatory cream which is helping. My movement is getting better. I can bend down easier and twist around easier, but it still gives me a bit of a pulling feeling. This past week though I feel like I haven't had any improvement in how I generally feel. It is hard to know if I am overdoing it, or something else is going on.

Exercise update:

I am exercising every day for around 30 - 40 minutes. I started jogging again and slowly built it up to 30 minute jog one day. But I then suffered for a couple of days for doing that much activity . So I have stuck to shorter bursts of jogging. But this past week when I have jogged, I have had too much discomfort for a few days, so I have decided to stick to walking again for a bit longer. I find the hills to walk so that I feel I have challenged myself.

Next surgery:

I see the surgeon again at the end of March. We will have more discussion then about my next surgery. I don't want to have it until I feel no ill affects from this first one. I just couldn't cope with more stress on my body. I have days of feeling very discouraged by how long it is taking to recover and start to doubt if I will ever feel ok. I couldn't start another recovery process before fully recovering this time.

Shopping update:

I am building up a new wardrobe. But pants I bought a month ago are too big now due to the swelling going down. So I have learnt how to put tucks in my pants!! It is hard to find clothes that suit my odd shape. (I feel it is odd, Andrew tells me it isn't!!). Some pants don't suit if the leg isn't wide enough. I have a small waist, but my legs still have the skin hanging off! I have learnt to look for low or mid rise pants with wide leg fit!!! It is a whole new experience being able to go into any of the clothes shops! I don't feel out of place anymore, like I did when I went shopping with friends or my sister.

I still try to stay positive about progress, it can't get any worse can it!!!!

I will make progress!!

"I will make progress" is my new motto when it comes to returning to work following my surgery.
My second day back was better than the first. It took me a while to get myself going, but once I wrote my to do list, I got stuck in. I had a mild emotional moment when my work mates all went out of the office, leaving me alone. (strange - I usually love the office to myself!) But I got stuck into the paperwork and phone calls I needed to make and by 2pm when I was due to finish, I was exhausted and sore, but I had done it! I was happy with what I had achieved and decided that "I will make progress!"

I am discovering that as much as I want to be feeling well again, it is hard to break out of the "sick mode". You become so used to feeling a certain way and adjusting to not being able to do what you normally do, that it is a bit scary to step over the mark and return to functioning as you used to. I have thought about this, as I so desperately want to be able to work, run, play etc as I used to, so what is the emotional and cognitive thinking that holds me back. I have come to the conclusion, that I am scared that I will fail. I am nervous that I won't be able to return to how I used to function, and I worry that I will always have this tightness and soreness and swelling that still lingers. Of course the rational moments tell me that all these things won't happen, and that I am more than capable of returning to full time work, to running, to managing my own housework and being able to enjoy all the fun things in life again. I have to persevere. Last night Andrew was giving me a pep talk about slowing down and just concentrating on one thing at a time, and that thing needs to be recovering. He says I worry too much, which I probably do. While talking through things with Andrew, I discovered I am nervous about my new body image. I have never had a body like this before. I have always had a tummy bigger than I needed. So, I suppose I am getting used to how my body looks now and how I perceive that, and unfortunately, how I think other's are seeing me. I place unfounded expectations on myself that people expected me to look a certain way after the surgery, and perhaps I don't look that way. I still have flabby bits and parts that still need work (both surgery and exercise). I have to believe that I don't need to be perfect!

So, Andrew's advice is to just relax, concentrate on a full recovery and other things will fall into place. He takes a lot of time to tell me how wonderful I look, and that he loved me before and loves me now. What more could a girl want!!!!

Back to Work!! and Surgeon's Appointment

Well, after 8 weeks away from work, I made the big step and started work again on Monday 10th December. My manager had worked out with me a gradual return to full time work. So, in my first week back I am working for 5 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I wont have my full client group again until I am back full time, which is planned for January. I am doing other paper work and assessments on new clients and getting them started.

Well, I got up on Monday ok, I didn't feel any worse than normal, but still have the tightness around my hips and a bit of soreness in different places. Andrew pulled the doona over his head as I started the manic phase of finding something to wear!!! "Does this look good?" "Is this ok?". Andrew knows the routine very well and tried to avoid saying the wrong thing!!! Of course he always says I look gorgeous in anything I wear! ooohhhhh. Well I decided on the outfit I have on in the photo, and despite Andrew calling me a green tree frog, I know he thought I looked nice. I am conscious of the bits that are still swollen, and the parts of my tummy that still need work done. (I will get to that bit of news soon!). The girls at work were great. Very welcoming and complimentary and looked after me like the true nurses that they all are!!! I managed the 5 hours ok, but was stiff and sore and a bit tired at the end of it. My biggest concern was my emotions. I was on the brink of tears so many times. I had a little cry just before leaving home, which worried Andrew enough to ring work without me knowing to check that I was ok and to let them know I was a bit fragile!! He did also ring me to see how I was. Then while at work, everything seemed a bit too hard for me, and my coping wasn't at its usual level. I held back the tears because I know they would have bundled me up and sent me home again. I was just so overwhelmed! It didn't help that I had to get my head around a new laptop and I couldn't get the new technology of logging in with my finger swipe to work! I gave up for fear of really losing my emotions!!! Anyway, I found a safe job of wrapping all our client's Christmas presents!! Well, someone had to do it!!! I had to spend my 5 hours at work changing from sitting to standing and then walking around. Sitting up straight still causes a bit of discomfort. As the numbness around my back is going, I am finding my back is aching a bit. Anyway, despite the emotion of it all, I will go back on Wednesday and get stuck into the paper work that awaits me.

My other news is my last visit to the surgeon. He drained more fluid from my swollen part. I wasn't expecting this at all, but he did it. We also spent a bit of time discussing the next set of procedures he would like to do. He is keen to finish what he has started with me. I cringe every time he talks about the next surgery. But he assures me I have been through the worst of it now. I knew he would do some liposuction on my tummy next time, but he completely shocked me when he said he would take another fold of skin from my tummy. I could have fallen off the chair then!!! But he assured me it is just a small surface of skin to be removed and nothing like what I have just had done. This procedure would only need about 10 days healing and recovery!! (I have the thought to double anything the surgeon says about recovery time!!) He would also remove the extra skin from my arms and legs. All up he thought about 3 weeks recovery time. Anyway, a lot to think about and I am finding it hard to work out when to get this done. So, no major decisions just yet. I see the surgeon again next March, so plenty of time to consider my options. I do want to finish what I have started and I don't think I will be completely satisfied until all the procedures are done. I feel like such an odd shape at the moment with the extra skin on my legs causing them to be big still. They are smaller than 3 years ago of course, but the skin isn't a good look. I need a small size pants for my waist and hips, but then the cut of the leg is too small. But to go through recovery again is very daunting when I haven't completely recovered from this first surgery.

So, I will just concentrate on getting back to work, and having a full recovery from the surgery I have already had.

Home from Echuca

I had a fantastic time with my parents in Echuca. I love being by the river. It was so great not having to cook, clean and do washing. I was really able to rest, and the energy I gained, I was able to go shopping with my mum! Although, the pants I bought while I was away, are all too big now!! I didn't realise I still had so much swelling to go down! I still have some swelling, particularly around the site on the scar line that I have had discharge from. It seems to have developed a hard lump around it that causes some pain and stinging. I will have it checked out when I see the surgeon next week. I also still have the feeling of rubber bands tight around my hips. But this is getting less. When I saw the surgeon on the day I went to Echuca, he was happy with how the swelling had been going down but said I still had "a ways to go". Oh I wanted to cry, so I asked him how long did he think. He said at least 2 weeks. So I didn't think that was too bad after all. But I am getting very sick of this waiting!!!! I also talked to him about my energy levels and that I am still getting tired after such a short amount of activity. He said to expect this still, due to the "hugeness" of the surgery and the amount of healing that needs to take place inside and outside. So, its more of that patience needed! (If you hadn't noticed - patience isn't one of my skills!!)

I bought this T-Shirt that I am wearing in the picture above because as I have been getting better, Andrew and my mum have made the comment "Oh she is getting bossy again, she must be on the mend!!" How rude I thought!!!!!, but anyway, I bought the T-Shirt to give Andrew a laugh!! I don't think I will wear it outside of the house though!!!!

Andrew is coming along ok. He still has pain with some movement, but he is regaining more movement now. He has started at work again three days a week answering the phones. As he is a bus driver, that task is still out of the question for at least another 6 - 8 weeks!! But it is great he is back at work. He enjoys the company and being busy. It does tire him out though and his shoulder gets sore. But it is a step in the right direction.

Speaking of returning to work............... I am determined now to start work again on the 10th December. I have decided that if I don't give it a go, I won't know how I will cope. My manager has been fantastic and is very happy to work out a part time return for me and will have me doing different duties to start with so that I am not bombarded with taking over my whole client group as soon as I return. It is lovely to get feedback from my replacement that my clients keep asking when I will be back!

So, things are looking positive again.

Cut out comparisons!!

I made these cut outs of myself to get a glimpse of the change in me!! I can't believe the difference!! The smaller me was taken not long after surgery, so I have quite a bit of swelling still.