Is that my shadow???

I decided to have a walk this morning instead of a run. It was a glorious morning and the sun was shining. During a part of the walk the sun was over my shoulder, providing me with a full length shadow just in front of me. It took me a while to realise it was my shadow. I just couldn't believe that it was a reflection of my body. I suddenly realised that I have been getting too discouraged about the parts of my body that aren't quite right yet instead of being encouraged by the parts that are looking quite good and show my hard work. I'm not looking to be a "super model" or anything, but to have a body that reflects all the work I have put in to it and that it shows my fittness. Even with this upcoming surgery I know I won't be perfect, but what is perfect anyway?? I am still getting used to having a body this size. It is totally new to me. So the journey continues................

While I was out walking, a lady who was working in her garden asked me "is it all worth it?" Without hesitation I said "It sure is". I was thinking that not only is the exercise good for strengthening my heart, lungs, muscles and my general health and fitness, but it lifts my mood and confidence in myself. It is a great way to keep the mental health in good shape also! So how could it not be worth it!!!!

Next Surgery Date Set!!!

WOW, I can't believe that after such a long wait last year for my first surgery, the second one is happening in under 2 weeks!!!! Hardly enough time to work out how many sleeps to go!!

I had decided on booking the surgery in May, but then there were no spots free in May anymore and the next available was July!!! OOOOHHHH I couldn't wait that long. Then I was told that there was a spot on the 27th March! The initial problem with this date was it is on a Thursday, and as the private hospital I go to closes at lunch time on Saturdays, I would only have 2 nights in hospital, and the surgeon would have liked 3 at least. So, after discussions between the surgeon and the nursing staff, he said if I was happy to take the chance that 2 nights would be enough, then he would do the surgery on the 27th March!!! So, with a lot of emotion, I took the the 27th March!! When I got off the phone from booking it, I just burst into tears.

That fits in perfectly with my leave that was already planned, and Andrew will also be on leave. The one little glitch is that my parents leave to visit my sister in New Zealand on the 31st March!! So, no mum helping out when I am home from hospital, and of course, no sister! But with Andrew on leave, that helps. And now my dear friend Nat who is a Nurse is going to stay a couple of days to help Andrew out! So, I feel more than confident that I will be well cared for!! Mum will stay a few days when they get home from New Zealand.

I have many feelings about this second surgery. I get quite spooked when I think about waking up from the anaesthetic and how yukky that feels. I can't wait to be rid of the extra skin still flopping around, especially on my legs, but I'm not looking forward to the slow process of recovery. Well it is all going to be another adventure, but at least I don't have so much of the unknown this time. The surgeon keeps promising me it won't be nearly as major as the first one and I won't feel as bad. Oh I hope not!

I am really starting to feel a lot better. I still have a dressing on over the hole, but it is much smaller and doesn't ooze nearly as much. I have been doing a bit of jogging and not suffering as much afterwards. I can now go a few hours without even noticing that I have had surgery around my middle. Psychologically I have improved heaps, just hearing from the surgeon how well my recovery has been going and that I am ready for the next surgery. Looking in the mirror isn't as hard now, knowing it will all change again in a couple of weeks.

Thanks again for all your support.

Back to the GP and the Surgeon!

I went back to my GP about my "hole". He was a little concerned that it had gotten deeper, so he decided to send me for blood tests to make sure there wasn't a deep infection and also checked to make sure I hadn't developed diabetes, this being another explanation for taking so long to heal. He also suggested that I consider an ultra sound on the area to ensure there is no fluid build up. He also suggested I see my surgeon sooner rather than later.

I saw the surgeon on Friday afternoon, and in his typical fashion, wasn't too concerned about the hole but did acknowledge that 4 1/2 months was a long time to still have this trouble. He advised I stop packing the hole with gauze and he felt it would heal up ok. If it didn't heal very soon, or if it broke down again, he would have me in the hospital for a day procedure where he cut that section open, fixed whatever was causing the problem, and sew it all back up again. He said it could just be a dead fat cell that hadn't dissolved, or something like that!!!

But besides the hole, he was very pleased with how my skin had toned up where it should, and loosened where it should. He is now keen to complete the work. He didn't think it was important to wait until the hole heals or wait any extended time. Unfortunately he is booked when I have my annual leave planned in April, and as I don't have sick leave due now until October, I can't just book surgery until I sort out my leave from work. He is available in May, so after a preliminary discussion with my manager to determine if I could change my leave, I now have a few decisions to make!! The surgeon promises me that the second surgery will be no where near as difficult or major as the first. The tidy up he has to do on my stomach is very minimal recovery, my arms will be about a 10 day recover, but my legs will be the major thing to recover from.

I will receive his surgery quote in the mail this week, so once I have that, and have decided what I really want to do, and made sure I wasn't going to upset too many people by changing my leave, I will know what the near future holds. Of course I was really looking forward to having 3 weeks holiday and Andrew and I were planning on going away. I have been so busy at work and have had some very stressful situations to deal with, so time off that wasn't spent getting over surgery was looking very attractive. My manager suggested I take a week off with Easter so that I have a bit of a break and I don't use up too much of my annual leave. So that was really thoughtful of her.

The latest news of Andrew's shoulder is his physio was concerned about one particular movement that Andrew still couldn't do. He was worried that the bones were causing the problem rather than a muscular thing. The phsyio talked to Andrew's surgeon, who then instructed X -Rays be taken and said Andrew needed to see him in the next 2 weeks. There has been some talk that Andrew may need surgery to adjust the pins. Andrew isn't keen on more surgery, but I am encouraging him to just wait to see what the surgeon says.

So that is the news of the two invalids!!! What a pair we are hey!! I suppose it helps us to both understand the frustrations of surgery and its recovery.

Needed jeans already!!!

I had been holding off buying jeans until my open wound was all healed and the swelling had gone down. But with the cooler weather we have been having I couldn't wait any longer!! It was hard finding jeans that fit well all over, as quite often with pants, I find to get a waist that fits well, the leg is too small. Boy it will be good to have the skin taken from my legs!!!

Anyway, I managed to find a pair that weren't too expensive, and I am quite happy with them. I also gained a few nice comments about my butt in them too!!!! (Always like to hear that!!)

Well I am still having trouble with an open wound that is referred to now as my "hole". The GP took a swab that came back all clear, so that is good, no bacteria. But he decided that for it to heal properly from the inside out, it needed to be filled with packing gauze!!! He told me it could take up to 4 weeks to heal properly. I am in week 3 now and I am fed up!! I have another appointment to see him next week. The cavity has changed somewhat. It has had some improvement but the hole is quite deep and I am still able to fill it with quite a length of the ribbon gauze. I can't contain the ooze in the waterproof dressing that I put over the top of it. I get a terrible rash from the dressing, but the pharmacist helped out with that one and suggested a skin prep wipe that I put on my skin which then acts as a barrier, so my poor skin doesn't get ripped off every time I have to change the dressing. My skin even started bleeding for a while. The rash is much improved now though.

I still get very frustrated with the amount of swelling I get at the end of the day. It's not so bad if I am just going to bed, but when I am going out and want to wear closer fitting tops, I feel too self conscious about the swelling showing. Plus I still have some loose skin that needs to be taken care of with the next surgery.

I am trying to have some days of more intense exercise as I miss the jogging. I miss the feeling it gives me and how I feel after a good sweat!! But I can't do it too often as I still suffer for a few days afterwards of increased discomfort around the scar line and stiffness when bending or twisting. And of course it doesn't help the hole!!! It can get quite sore if I have been too active.

But, I am still surviving, and some days I feel quite good and hardly notice that I have had surgery.

Thanks to all of you who read my blog and give me such wonderful support and feedback. I suppose we all have to "hang in there" with some aspect of our lives!!!

Still waiting for full recovery..............

Well this isn't the best photo of my face!! I don't seem to be able to smile and not talk when a photo is being taken!!

I have been really enjoying the range of skirts that suit me now!! I used to have to stick to the skirts that pretty much just hung down! I am dressed for a day of client visits in this picture!

Well, I am still waiting to have the feeling of full recovery! I still have a dressing on a spot that is still oozing. I know the saying is better out than in, but it is driving me nuts!! My poor skin around the spot is not coping with the tape that has to be continually put on and ripped off. I still have swelling in that area and I still get swelling on my tummy at the end of the day. The level of soreness changes each day depending on what I have been doing. I am desperate to increase the intensity of my exercise, but when I do a decent jog or have a really big hill walk, I suffer for it for a few days. I am so fed up with that!!

I have been in communication with my surgeon's nurse, but they just give a sympathetic response and tell me to keep in touch particularly if the open wound site looks red and inflamed or if I become unwell. I am going to see my GP tomorrow and get him to have a good look at the wound and see what suggestions or help he can give me. It is approaching 4 months since surgery and I just didn't expect to still be having these troubles at this stage. This is the stage I was hoping to be considering the next stage of surgery. But that is way, way off at this stage. I still have days where I am quite emotional and low about the whole experience. One night I just wanted to scream to have the skin put back on me. That was a night that I couldn't even get relief from the tight and sore feeling while laying in bed.

I am disappointed that it is taking so long to recover, especially as I worked so hard pre surgery to be at my absolute fittest. We just can't predict what our bodies will do, or how it will respond to stress and trauma.

But on the positive side, I still get such lovely encouragement from people and I am loving the shopping and being able to go into what ever shop I like!! I have to be grateful that I am able to work full time again and that I can do some form of exercise daily. I am also pleased that I have maintained my change in what I eat. I can confidently say that I have made lifestyle changes that will last my life time to ensure that I don't put weight back on again. Of course I have treats like dark chocolate, but I had always incorporated treats into my diet. Lifestyle change isn't about depriving yourself of everything you enjoy!!

So, here's hoping for advances in my recovery....................

2008 - A new year, A new me???

Work update:

I am now back at work Full Time with my full client group. It has been so busy and I have put in extra hours to keep up with the work load. This makes me tired and I just can't be bothered getting on the computer at home in the evenings. But I am managing work and I am enjoying that adrenalin rush of 51 things happening at once!!! Something I'm not happy with is that at then end of a working day, my tummy swells up like a beach ball. One night Andrew commented I looked pregnant!!! (He did get away with that one as I thought the same!) Then by the next morning the swelling has all gone again. When I am in the office, I try not to be sitting at the computer for long periods and get up for a wander around. I still worry a bit when visiting clients that I have a seat that doesn't cause me discomfort. I still can't manage my couch unless I have heaps of pillows behind me. But all in all, it is good to be back at work and feeling like life is getting back to normal.


Scar line update:

It is almost 3 months since my surgery. I still have the feeling of tightness around my hips and across my front. I am not happy that I still have one little spot that I need a dressing on. I still have a bit of discharge from that area. That area still has swelling also, giving me a bit of a funny shape. I get an aching back when I have overdone it a bit but I am using anti-inflammatory cream which is helping. My movement is getting better. I can bend down easier and twist around easier, but it still gives me a bit of a pulling feeling. This past week though I feel like I haven't had any improvement in how I generally feel. It is hard to know if I am overdoing it, or something else is going on.

Exercise update:

I am exercising every day for around 30 - 40 minutes. I started jogging again and slowly built it up to 30 minute jog one day. But I then suffered for a couple of days for doing that much activity . So I have stuck to shorter bursts of jogging. But this past week when I have jogged, I have had too much discomfort for a few days, so I have decided to stick to walking again for a bit longer. I find the hills to walk so that I feel I have challenged myself.

Next surgery:

I see the surgeon again at the end of March. We will have more discussion then about my next surgery. I don't want to have it until I feel no ill affects from this first one. I just couldn't cope with more stress on my body. I have days of feeling very discouraged by how long it is taking to recover and start to doubt if I will ever feel ok. I couldn't start another recovery process before fully recovering this time.

Shopping update:

I am building up a new wardrobe. But pants I bought a month ago are too big now due to the swelling going down. So I have learnt how to put tucks in my pants!! It is hard to find clothes that suit my odd shape. (I feel it is odd, Andrew tells me it isn't!!). Some pants don't suit if the leg isn't wide enough. I have a small waist, but my legs still have the skin hanging off! I have learnt to look for low or mid rise pants with wide leg fit!!! It is a whole new experience being able to go into any of the clothes shops! I don't feel out of place anymore, like I did when I went shopping with friends or my sister.

I still try to stay positive about progress, it can't get any worse can it!!!!

I will make progress!!

"I will make progress" is my new motto when it comes to returning to work following my surgery.
My second day back was better than the first. It took me a while to get myself going, but once I wrote my to do list, I got stuck in. I had a mild emotional moment when my work mates all went out of the office, leaving me alone. (strange - I usually love the office to myself!) But I got stuck into the paperwork and phone calls I needed to make and by 2pm when I was due to finish, I was exhausted and sore, but I had done it! I was happy with what I had achieved and decided that "I will make progress!"

I am discovering that as much as I want to be feeling well again, it is hard to break out of the "sick mode". You become so used to feeling a certain way and adjusting to not being able to do what you normally do, that it is a bit scary to step over the mark and return to functioning as you used to. I have thought about this, as I so desperately want to be able to work, run, play etc as I used to, so what is the emotional and cognitive thinking that holds me back. I have come to the conclusion, that I am scared that I will fail. I am nervous that I won't be able to return to how I used to function, and I worry that I will always have this tightness and soreness and swelling that still lingers. Of course the rational moments tell me that all these things won't happen, and that I am more than capable of returning to full time work, to running, to managing my own housework and being able to enjoy all the fun things in life again. I have to persevere. Last night Andrew was giving me a pep talk about slowing down and just concentrating on one thing at a time, and that thing needs to be recovering. He says I worry too much, which I probably do. While talking through things with Andrew, I discovered I am nervous about my new body image. I have never had a body like this before. I have always had a tummy bigger than I needed. So, I suppose I am getting used to how my body looks now and how I perceive that, and unfortunately, how I think other's are seeing me. I place unfounded expectations on myself that people expected me to look a certain way after the surgery, and perhaps I don't look that way. I still have flabby bits and parts that still need work (both surgery and exercise). I have to believe that I don't need to be perfect!

So, Andrew's advice is to just relax, concentrate on a full recovery and other things will fall into place. He takes a lot of time to tell me how wonderful I look, and that he loved me before and loves me now. What more could a girl want!!!!