It all feels so weird!!

Every day something else feels a bit different and I am having to cope with another strange sensation around my middle!! I'm not wearing the tubigrip support all the time now, so I am able to feel different things. The skin that has been stretched down my body is starting to loose its numbness, so I am having weird sensations and tingling. I wouldn't call it pain, but it is such a strange tight feeling. Sometimes I also describe it as pulling or stiffness. Sometimes it feels as if I have tight rubber bands going around my hips and other times when I stand up I feel as if everything is going to break apart. I often have the feeling that I have been cut in half and put back together again!! Which I suppose in a sense I have!!!

Ohhhhh is this worth it!!!!

The surgeon advised that my skin would also slacken a bit but this would also sort itself out naturally and with his help the next time I have surgery. I have that happening now. I still have some swelling but I'm not entirely sure what is swelling and what is a bit of the skin sagging.

I certainly don't feel glamorous just yet, and I am still fighting a bit of the infection. I tried a little trip to the local shops yesterday but was absolutely exhausted after two shops and the supermarket. I didn't even feel that exhausted after running the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon. I did manage to buy a couple of tops to wear!! I also wish that helping Andrew didn't tire me out so much. He tries to do as much for himself as he can, but there are just some things you can't do with one arm!!

My expected return to work date is under 2 weeks away now, but at this stage I don't feel anywhere near ready for work. I see the surgeon again next week, so will reassess returning to work with him. I'm not rushing back if I am not ready!!

Andrew and I had to try sleeping apart last night. He is still quite restless with pain and finds it hard to get a comfortable sleeping position and when he moves in the bed it is a bit like an earthquake!! I get woken up and jolted a bit. But we both need better sleep to aid in our recoveries. I did have a better sleep with Andrew in the other room, but was still woken by my bladder and the cat!! Poor Andrew is beside himself with boredom though!!

But on a positive note, I am up and about, I am able to sleep a lot better in the bed, I have enough energy to get a meal together, I don't have a big sack of skin hanging in front of me, and I am loved by Andrew!!

THIS IS NOT EASY!!!!

I'm feeling quite disappointed with a slight set back!

Yesterday started off ok, I showered and dressed without too much trouble. Then I helped Andrew with his bathing, hair washing and dressing. I then did a small load of washing. I carried one or two items outside at a time and hung them on a low clothes line. After a bit of a rest Andrew and I went for an easy walk of 15 - 20 minutes. (I had decided that yesterday was the start of my gentle exercise regime - a walk in the morning and afternoon).

When we got home from the walk I felt tired, but thought this was a normal feeling related to going for the walk. But I didn't improve. As the day went on I felt more and more unwell and weak. I started having the cold chills and then feeling hot! I took my temperature and found it was up. I had already spoken to my surgeon about the oozing from a small part of my suture line and its very red color, but I was told that it was normal and because I felt well on the day I spoke to the surgeon, he said not to worry too much. But because now I was unwell and with a temperature, I feared I did have an infection.

Once again my sister to the rescue who made the necessary phone calls and miraculously got me to a local GP under direction of my surgeon's nurse and had antibiotics prescribed. I got home to what was the worst 12 hours of chills and sweats and feeling yuk with a throbbing headache.

But today I have woken a bit better and throughout the day have felt mildly better. I feel quite weak and I have been told I still look quite pale and exhausted. Even though I told my mum I could manage, she decided to come back to help me. She had only just gone home to Echuca on Tuesday!! I feel terrible that she hasn't had a decent rest.

It is so hard coping with my own recovery plus having Andrew going through his own recovery and needing help with things. He tries so hard to help me with his limited capacity and I try hard to help him. But this isn't easy!!!!! I am back in the stage of wondering just what have I done to myself and why did I do this and there is no way I am going back for any more surgery!!! I know these feelings will pass again as they have every other time I have them. But it is so discouraging to not recover at the pace I want to. I know I push myself, but I have taught myself to push my body over the past 2 years to get to this point. I am used to going the extra mile to get the good results. But I need to learn that this isn't the time to be pushing myself.

I have had visitors in today which is just so great. I get lovely comments all the time and friends really care. My sister and mum have done so much to help me and Andrew. My sister's kids are great when they pop in also. So loving and very easy to amuse. I was just tickled pink to walk into my bedroom a little while ago to find them on the bed with Andrew helping them to play a game on the X - box.

Sneak Preview

Well here I am. Day 14 since surgery. I still want to write out my daily journal, but as I am not able to sit at the computer for too long, I thought I would give this sneak preview.

It has been a tough couple of weeks. I've had a few complications to deal with such as very low blood pressure, internal bleeding fixed by a second visit to surgery, blood transfusions, extreme constipation and then my darling Andrew having a serious motorbike accident leaving him with two major breaks in his shoulder and arm causing him to be in intense pain and having to wait 6 days for surgery due to the nurses strike!

But, I am very happy to say I am starting to feel normal again!! I have had two short shopping trips to get some clothes. This was brought on by me losing my pants several times when I had my follow up appointment with the Surgeon. My sister took me to the appointment and she didn't know part of her duties was to keep pulling my pants up!! Because of the bandage around my stomach, I couldn't feel them falling down until they were at my ankles! Then I couldn't reach them to pull them up!! Mind you, my sister found it all very funny and couldn't stop laughing!! I think I gave the truck driver a laugh too as they fell down in the street just as he drove past!!!

I still have some discomfort when in the same position for too long and I still have a bit of a stoop when I walk, but I am trying hard to stand straight now. I can't sit in an upright position for too long, preferring to recline to ease the pressure on my suture line. But every day is getting easier!

I had a very positive report from the surgeon that everything is healing perfectly.

I hope to write more again soon. Thanks to everyone for their support.

I ran the whole 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon Event!

Oh I just can't believe it! I did it! I ran the whole 5.5km today and finished with my lap around the MCG! It felt so wonderful. Even this morning I still wasn't sure if I would be able to run the whole way. But I was sure going to give it a good go! I got to my usual running time of 30 minutes and felt ok, I was managing the crowds and the slight inclines every now and again, so I thought I would just keep running. Again, I say running, it is more of a jog!

Just before reaching the MCG, we had a bit of an incline up the bridge, I was telling myself if I needed to walk it, that was ok, but in the next thought, I was saying, oh come on you have come this far, and are almost at the end, so keep running! And I did!!! Running from start to finish is just a HUGE thing for me! I feel so great that I could do that. I have been working towards it, but not putting too much pressure on myself. I am putting enough pressure on myself with the surgery!! So, I am proud of myself, and feel I have acieved this real accomplishment!!

It was great having Andrew and his daughter Sasha waiting for me at the MCG. It was good to know that Sasha spotted me on the "big screen", so they knew exactly when I had arrived and could watch me run around the G. Unfortunately I couldn't spot them in the stands to give a wave. But I knew they were there and that meant heaps to me. They took a couple of photos from a distance, but if you look closely you can see me!! Im in a purple T shirt, the second person to the left of the Samsung Flag!

This is a great feeling!

P.S.

8 more sleeps until surgery!!

Two Year Difference!

On the right is me in October 2007.

And there I am on the left back in October 2005!!:

2 weeks to go.........15 more sleeps!!!

Oh my goodness, it is getting closer now!! My thoughts about surgery are certainly getting more intense. I am pretty focused on it all the time now!! Which of course makes coping with the rest of life very difficult, not to mention the stress I have at work!! I am having times of being emotional and generally what I call nutbar! It took me ages to find the words for how I was feeling. I finally found them; and how it is for me is, it's not so much that I am nervous about the surgery, or even worried, but I keep doubting myself that I deserve the surgery or that I have done enough work to be ready for it. I have visions of the hospital staff laughing behind my back saying what a fool I am to think that I can have this surgery. I know that is ridiculous and I know I have worked hard to get where I am, but those self doubts creep in. I wish I didn't get so embarrassed or self conscious when people comment or ask about my weight loss.

I have been very focused with my eating and exercise, and even though the scales are in the shed, I know I have lost weight and I definitely know my body shape has changed. When I saw the dietitian, she took a waist measurement, so I checked my measurement the other night (1am when I couldn't sleep!!) and I had lost another 4cm around my waist!!

It doesn't help that I have very little to wear at the moment that gives me the confidence of the body I have now. We all know how clothes can make us feel really good. I have stopped buying clothes as it would be a waste at this stage, so all my pants are loose and baggy. I'm getting sick of the same clothes. But I know that is such a little price to pay compared to how my body is going to be in a few weeks time.

Anyway, enough whinging! I should be celebrating. And I will. I know I will get over this little hump in the road and I will walk confidently into the hospital on the morning of October 15!! As long as I have Andrew by my side, and he is there when I wake up, then I know everything will be ok.

I have a very busy two weeks left at work, so hopefully that will make the days go quickly. I have the Melbourne Marathon next weekend and then the following weekend before surgery Andrew and I will be away for the weekend to my absolute favourite place on the Murray River at Echuca/Moama. Even better is that right before surgery I will be able to sit by the river, which always heals my soul, and I will be able to celebrate my Grandma's 91st birthday with her and my parents as they live at Moama.

So, I am in serious countdown mode now and I will continue my 1 1/2 hours of exercise daily and my healthy eating, so that come surgery day, I will be at the fittest I have ever been in my entire life!!!

P.S. I ran 4.2km (including 3 hills) yesterday in 32 minutes, which is a best for me, and setting me up well to run most of the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon!!

This was me at last years Melbourne Marathon. I can see the difference particularly in my face from a year ago! This was my first ever event! Such a windy day, I hope it isn't like that next Sunday!

23 more sleeps............

Well it isn't long now before I have my surgery. The surgery is called circumferential abdominoplasty. I have said it plenty of times to myself now that it just rolls off my tongue!!! The picture here shows where the skin will be cut out from my front and back. Once the skin on the front has been cut out, then the skin from the upper part is stretched down to be sewn together just above the pubic line. I have been reading about the surgery, particularly the recovery stage as I am quite curious as to how I will recover. I have learnt that I won't be able to walk standing straight for a few days. I have always known there will be pain, but while I don't want to go into a panic about the pain, I don't want to underestimate it either.

I am starting to do the planning for the surgery now. I have sent back my pre admission forms, I have confirmed my support crew - lovely Andrew and my fantastic sister and my ever faithful mum. Mum is coming down from Echuca to be with me when I am discharged from hospital and my sister just lives around the corner. Andrew will take me into hospital on the day and be with me when I come out of surgery.

I am writing my list of things to get done before surgery, and I have made sure that list includes a hair cut and color and a massage!!!!

I am still following the dietitians guidelines and at my follow up appointment she felt I was well on the right track and didn't need to see her again until after surgery if I wanted any more assistance. I have still been keeping up the increased level of exercise, and I am feeling quite good for it. I want to be at my absolute best fitness for surgery.

I am still hoping to run as much of the 5.5km in the Melbourne Marathon as I can. I can run for 30 minutes at a slow pace, so I will see if I can run a bit more on the day. Although I do get unnerved in a crowd and find it hard to get my little spot so that I can be at my pace. I am sure there will be people who can walk just as fast as I can run!!! But I try to remember that it is about me, and my level of fitness and I don't have to compare myself to anyone else.

Well, the countdown continues until surgery, and I don't see my thoughts about it easing at all!!!